it's Christmas

its an unusual day for me.. not sad, not overly excited but indifferent. I think I am stating myself to be cool and indifferent at all occassions.. coz any extreme feeling makes me go sideways. This year its different.. i spent my afternoon at the mall. I never went to the mall on the eve. I was wondering why its so quiet at 7pm .. then i realized its the christmas eve.. ehhehe sorry i forgot that..

I am happy for the year that passed.. I am just simply thankful and putting my faith all up there.

This thought of not having someone with you on Christmas always equate to a not so happy or incomplete christmas... is it correct or not... my sister is quite bothered and saddened by the thought of spinsterhood. SHe is a darling but i think the right one is not on her way yet. I was preparing myself not to be on that feeling.. its awful i think.. I am just convincing myself that no matter what happens i will accept it.. either way i have plans. I dont even have an idea if someone is out there for me.. maybe my life was written with no love interest in it...

For me.. just having felt that I have loved someone unconditionally is enough.. though it was not reciprocated never mind. my point is.. i've given my love i did not expect anything.. true enough nothing came back. ehehhe.. I hope its never equated a boyfriendless christmas to a sad one.

Yes, i think its true.. having something to look forward to and reach for makes life interesting all the time..

Merry Christmas all... wish you all the best

and the list goes on...

collin farell, benjamin bratt, mark wahlberg, LBH, JDG, RSW, CR, heath ledger, rory cochrane, ethan zohn... hayyyyyyyyyy cuties..

hanggul

i came to realize I am not really strange with Hanggul.. actually i love the culture. so I got interested with the language.. its romantic way but not too cheesy.. but you can really feel it. I am also into bisaya.. cebuano to be exact.. coz i frequent the place but cant speak a word. I am geared to learning mandarin to better equip me.. i know it will be a powerful language. and an advantage.

I really admire the working attitude of Chinese... they really are admirable. Incomparable, industrious, and challenge takers. Of course we have a few not so good traits we know. but I realy admire how they rose up from a bad reputation and just by being self sufficient and it works. Hard works have paid off... I salute them.. ! let's be good and set an example for the world.

you can't say...

is the song playing on my mind, playing no my cd player... it just makes me wanna smile, feel inspired, be kid like, giving and just lucky. An all about eve OST.. JDG and Chae Rim really hit it off on screen... they are very convincing. Makes you believe in the power of pure love and unconditional friendship. though it suggests a sad emotion for the song.. i really feel the intensity though.

I am very expresssive today, I must say I am hyper// My O.C., tensed , expressive personality is all out today. I am very pissed off this morning for a stupid forgetfulness.. maybe i lack sleep !

I am just thankful for my sister n brod in law's constant understanding and guidance, lessons, and chance to learn a whole lot of things. Yet they appreciate. I sometimes want to be bland so I wont slack off and abuse their understanding. But I think the other way around.. to make it more productive, i will work doubly focused to help and prevent making sassy mistakes.. but work responisibly and impart knowledge.

for the kids' who constantly give joy and smile to me.. as they show their true selves, make hilarious jokes on innocent kid remarks and kid antics. their constant sweetness and cheerful smiles. :) they're contagious.

I thank the One above there.. for showing me what life is and what it should be.. on how we should look at it. just thankful and treating every day as unique and at its best always.

where is my pivot

time and distance.

the thought of leaving the country is haunting me again...

last Sept 2004 I was all set to go for my China trip with all the wardrobes and activities i planned to have on that whole semester.. but it has become shady and made me backed out of it.

I woke up at a very wrong side.. I woke up late, watched tv, in a hurry yet i am late at work. Worse yet i arrived at 9 am... I was the one to open. Then camera is with me, and it just sucks... i want to throw things to make me feel alright but I can't do anything.. its the time and distance dictating the barrier and limitations.

Yet i was able to manage to get busy the whole day. I did not imagine there could that bunch and pile of works to be done. And to think i left a whole lot of work for the next day. Errands not included. I don't want to sound very arrogant, but I have work to do and the errands are to be prioritized , I just can't. They were not demanding but I demand myself to be able to do all of them. Plus some kids cluttering the area, fighting for stickers, tv and wahhhh.. good thing they were obedient, they were not brats and "bruhaS" . whew thankfully.

But through out the day.. there is one question hanging on my mind that creates a debate with my sentient and emotion. going out of the country for own growth , sake, independence, and self familiarity. What made me unconvinced were the emotions, ties in your home. Yes we must admit that in the Phils.. wages are not good, business is bad, politics is crazy, security is poor, mostly are below poverty level, system is corrupt... what else is there to hold the crops of the nation. It's just the basic unit of where your heart belongs to. Technically speaking, we are skilled personalities, but no future that the country offers. Tendency is to jump to the band wagon to go for the middle class choices.. a good paying job on a secure place. And in a land where personal and career growth is really big. So what made them decide to say "GO" . I am in a very different situation. I am asking this question myself for the whole duration.

But is it not worth it to just try.. you can come back anytime... but time is of essence.. i want to have a wise decision on which things to spend my time with.

Now I am haunted by my need to be the knowledgeable for the Mandarin Language. I need to learn it.. I need to use it.. I cannot just take risk and accept project and just barf out in the middle of a hard project. I NEED to learn, read and speak the language for business purpose.

please wish me the best that I make wise decision on the things coming my way.

i wish a good week for everyone.

fpj

these are the 2 things mainly bugging me on my mind.

FPJ an icon in the Phils , a defeated presidentiable, temperament yet charismatic. He is loved by many, irked by certain people, its like this in the Phils.. every one got their opinion.

He has touched alot of lives in the masses. may he rest in peace.

where art thou love romeo

this is one of the days that I am longing for a partner. I have so much love in my heart. I want to give someone dear a kiss and a long hugggg... I am just thankful in life.

sharing is such a wonderful experience. Its indescribably happy when you give and still felt selfless.

my kiddo's names: I like to have little boys but a blessing would be enough... just have them polite, kind, pure hearted , healthy, normal , smiley, thankful and has a lot of Faith.
as you can see i am biased. .. I have a valid reason. all my life we were all girls only a few boys that is why I missed out the chance to have a little brother..

Boy - Aidan, Duncan, Lorenzo, Haley, Nathan
Girl - Heather, Carlin

But as early as now, I am ready to face anything like spinster. I would busy myself with advocacy works, emphasis on education, geriatric care, simplicity. If my life was drawn without my romeo.. I let it up to the One up there, I have my faith and it's all up to destiny. Let it be. There is a reason for everything. Just am thankful for the blessings, lessons and awakenings shown upon me and the chance for me to make each day better as yesterday.

p.s. to my right one.. you will just be as special and treasured as I imagined.

good evening..

shivers...

my hands are feet are feeling COLD >>> brrrr.. but i'm sweating.. is it a good or bad sign.

I've had proposals from the near side of the world.. but i think i scared the hell out of her with the high price. but we want to work with them , it's a good op for us to work positively both ways. Get our resources work, give quality work .

Is it my SIGN? Is it the one I am asking for?

Well all about eve is very inspiring for cynic like me.. that there are still guys out there who are very pure in heart, strong yet complements you on some of his weaknesses. Isn't it strange? come to think of it, they guys i've known on the lives of the people close to me are indeed great towards the ladies. Yes they have imperfections, temper, but they have the LOVE in it. I wish that they continue to love each other , and grow together into something meaningful till the day they are old and still so much in love. With everlasting respect, honor, unconditinoal love and Understanding. Come what may. .. they stick together.

it has always been in my prayers.. honestly i havent had any choices. I know which is good which is not, but i am praying for the RIGHT one for me.. but i don't ask for them.. If it is willed in my fate, then I accept it fully. As it is. There are plenty of good things life has to offer. I just wish for a Better tomorrow.

just someone i can talk to, understand, care for.. :) Peace everyone

sistahs

its yet another crunch time for us. It's definetely testing our patience. I pray for them that they be enlightened. For us, we do not start a fight. It is because we fight for the right and we are pro support. Yes, one can be in solitude but for only a time. To have endurance, support system is very very helpful. We are not bitter or angry. but we find a wrong in it.

We have every right to claim something because we are rightful part of the group. It seemed that efforts made in the past was simply erased, forgotten, yet gone useless.


I just pray for enlightenment for the oppressors. I know they have their own grievances, miscalculations, wants, desire that have grown out of proportion. They've been drowned by ambition and greed. I hope they realize and set the priorities.. it is not the money.. its the relationships, family, sharing and survival. the key is the survival which is the hardest part to achieve.

For us, we are not saying we did not commit any mistakes. But we are continualy realizing what our mistakes were and are. We make or find ways to correct them and we are not running away from responsibilities. If we made a mistake we are here to face the consequences. But one thing, we are there for each other.. Be up or down.. we support and care aiming for the best of each other. We may not be the high holy showy religious types. But we give importance to our word, our heritage, discipline, our conviction to the One above. We aim to do good deeds, share, and be patient and understanding in all things. We aim for peaceful and amicable relationships that will last for the lifetime and be passed down to the future ones.

We pray that we be enlightened and be wise to make such sensitive decisions. Our intentions are always for the best of all .. not for our own sakes. People may not see it, realize it or yet call it another plot for greed. We have clean intentions and it is up to the future that will reveal that NEVER did we think bad about u, nor try to be greedy at your expense. It is how we are brought up. We STOOD by it, and proud of it.

We pray for the goodness of this matter and harmonious settlement.

one way, wrong direction and fast heart beat

it was a lazy sunday for me.. disappointed coz "in your eyes" came to its end already. I am so lazy to get up this morning but K says 'come on, go with us see the pool you're telling me weeks ago' ' let's go for a swim'

We went for an hour and a half for the ride to a place itself. We had all sorts of ridicules on the road. Duh!, honks, overtakes, bad stares, and almost hit a car, a batch of cars, people, and all sorts. the scary part was when we drove in a one-way street. its really scary.

but i think k got really hurt this time. LIke we lost confidence and gave her the scare and odd look of y are u on the wheel. We gave a chance, but its too DANGEROUS for K to be on the wheel.

I am jsut thankful we were guided and had a safe trip to and fro. got the scare out of me..

just thankful.. hope K understands..

collections of thoughts

Celebrate!


Just right on the first minute of my day, I am already thankful and just am elated with the way I am now.
So far, It is the best one i ever had. I never had this feeling that I really enjoyed my day and had this overwhelming feeling.
I had this big love on me, actually I am surprised on how I am right now.

I can't ask for anything more:
I love the family just as we are now ( we try to understand each other).
I saw through the remaining friends how real they are , and I love them as they are, coz they show who they really are.
They open up to let me see who they really are. I am thankful for that.
Career wise, I realize I work with the mission not the money it wont matter.
I don't even dare to ask the higher being to get us richer or what. We live comfortably, we eat what we want, we sleep on a mattress, everyone is in the house, love and the family fills up the house.
Yes we dont get to live luxuriuosly , but this is OK for me. Just getting us going and survive through the years is all i ask.

I see for the simple things in life. It is what I always dreamed of. Family, friends who are real and we accept them as they are, love to keep us going, a simple life and a good night sleep.

I never thought I have this love in me for the longest time. when the moment comes, my heart still pounds, a smile is again in my face and just as everything is like into place.

I am just so thankful.



========

See ya soon !

I was thinking the other day, should i give the effort or not. But my heart says love is never selfish. You just want to be there for the person. Even you are not the one expected.
I know I don't stand any chance. I just did what i felt like right and what my heart says.
The person might not get it or see it, but in my heart I know I did what I felt for the person. To be There.

I am admittedly exerting extraordinary effort, but i dont mind. It's my heart speaking.

I didnt see you off, I might just cry and I am bad at farewells. I know we'll see each other soon. I don't know when but we will cross path.
Even if you will just be on the other side of the world, I am just lucky to have known such a good person.
I might not fly and go see you but definitely you are treasured. You are very rare, the fun, the wit, the humor, the heart you have.. you are simply loveable.


==========
My sunday!

At 830 am I am up again just simply enjoying the joys of life and feels sooooo HAPPY.
I watched Walk to Remember. And my sister was just saying do I still feel something for the movie?
I used to cry a lot on this movie the first time I saw it, it really touched me. Its so pure love and innocent and unconditional. Wouldn't our world be a better one when every love is this way.
I hope everybody has that even once in their lifetime. I am not a Mandy fan and she is ineffective as an actress for me.
But Shane West did made me cry all over again.

My friends, my family greeted me. They did not forget.

=========
the homeless

Everytime I go out I had this feeling of guilt? sympathy? I don't know which one. But poverty has really been a problem here.
Every one has a hard time surviving , resulting to finding ways which are not right just to make ends meet.
But i thought , was it because our country is just poor? or are we just undisciplined to keep our priorities straight.
The social pressure is really stressful, that's why some pretends to be well while indeed everything is not in shape.

Last wednesday, I walked along lawton to take the next trip on the way to the office. And man! the homeless are not in a number of 10 but they are a minimum of 50 persons.
Years before, the homeless can be counted and they struggle. But now its like they gave up and just want to ask for the sky to let them survive.
It makes me sad.

At the streets, a family actually lives on the pavement in the middle of lanes where the signal light stands. With their 3 kids making the 3 lane road as their playground.

I am hoping for a future for the country. We want to survive and rise up again. We are hopeful that we can be disciplined and wake up in the reality to just work things out together.

=========

Breakups

other than the homeless, my day.

I had friends who are on the verge of breakups. Some of the decisions are make or break, its because on our age, we are not playing games.
We are serious in relationships, tending to weigh things up right now, if it is indeed working out or not. For highschool, you might not pay attention to it.Coz there are still lots of chance when we get to college or just simply having fun for the summer.
But now its different.

I am not the best person to ask on the heart matters. I dont even know if I ever felt the love. I know i loved someone. but loving you back might be a different one. coz there are two individuals trying to understand and complement each other.

I hope we think for the best for I just hope the best for them.

What a week that was.

life decisions

I am again haunted by this decision.

For now.. i decided to take my china trip on the backseat first. I will just be too broke when i get back. Maybe with the right time.. it will just come to me eventually.

But now, i really want to teach. A teacher assistant post. its great.. but i dont like the way mum talks me out of it.. to stay on the boring side of life.. while my mission ( i am still not sure if it really is my mission), is being put on hold.. maybe temporarily or indefinitely.

But I have this soft spot for the school system, love to learn. I am just afraid to make a wrong decision, a wrong turn, but for once in my life i would like to try it.... i'm being summoned, i am really for it, but something is holding me bck i dunno...

hoping for enlightenment on this crossroad.

all i want is...

I want to....
.... take taekwondo classes - i just love the white robe
.... learn belly dancing or flamenco
.... make desserts and be guilt free after having them
.... swim on a nice , quiet pool - i found one.. gonna go see the pool i hope it is
.... learn and speak Hanggul & French
.... speak fluent Mandarin
.... see , immerse and get involved in a culture
.... do volunteer work
.... teach ( but im afraid if it is really my path) am just so afraid it's not my calling , but there's no turning back
.... see places
.... be brave when i fall in love
.... meditate and attain inner peace
lastly... to SURVIVE test of time, and be resilient as always.

To have strong faith, and do good deeds, think good thoughts and speak good words. Enjoy life as it is.

I'm sooooo proud of what i found

http://soompi.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=59229

All KPOP , korean drama OST fanatics.. go to this site.. most songs are downloadable, complete and most links are working!!!!

My dream come true to find these Korean songs.. i love on the soaps.

my MP3 haven!!!! really really made me happy.

Im in dilemma

did i just create myself a hard decision to make?
As early as July 2004, I got a nod from my dad to make a study trip to China. That time it wasn't real yet. So I am just so carefree and idealistic that it won;t cost me that much. Anyway its the only time im gonna be 24 going 25. I tried to take the basic necessities only. No unnecessary trips, no purchases that i don't like so much, no blah blah outings and musings that will cut a portion on my tuition for the trip.

But now its October, decision making time. It chickens me out. I can afford to go there.. for the whole 5 months, but i will come home broke, jobless, no sponsor, loser, stupid with endless socializing with the uppercrust people. Who knows i might marry one of them.. but no.. they are not my type. I do not belong to the upper crust. I am a regular person, observing austerity, believes in simplicity,take much importance on hard work and good karma. If one is rich financially , its never simple.

And i got this fruit of labor of my eagerness to learn. I had this business proposal that is good enough to make my evenings busy. That will add to my income. Will get to experience a lot of out of my field situations.

I was asking for signs. see where it leads me to:
1. jessica said her piece of advice, that i should think very Very very WELL that i won;t regret. Its hard to be jobless or earn less.. coz im earning just enough.. what if i should decrease it.

2. eight ball keeps on saying no.. i dnno, maybe anotehr time, ask again.. all are pointing to negative answers.. y can't it just be honest.. i can take it.. i wont break the ball if i dont like the answer.

3. Gloria asked everybody to make tipid except her.

4. Dollar is sayang.. nanghihinayang for some result i dunno if i will call priceless or useless.

Maybe another time, this is all about timing. I believe in RIGHT TIME>... if not.. everything will collide.

am i just convincing myself that its a right decision.. but i still can change my mind by end of the month.. watch out. heheh

life changes

its been a turmoil for some over the weekend.

its not the cash, but its the attitude. After all money are just numbers, yes it plays a big part , but everything depends on the person looking at it. If you can be satisfied with just a hundred then fine. Otherwise its endless.

For me.. its been a merry go round of my thoughts.. never ending. my china trip should i give in. how about the teaching position. how about the new venture im in where i will be mainly a partner. i cant do it all at the same time. But I have this feeling i have a time limit to all these things. LIke i have to make it happen all at the same time but its impossible i know that. That is why im giving it a lot of thinking.

Hearing sinister stories, i got more aware of it. It frustrates me , the thought of being a spinster. I used to think that is on the person not the status whether she'll be happy or not. But hearing the stories , it all sounds so sad, lonely, hard, a lot of uncertainties and no consolation at all. Isn't it a choice one made to prevent the mistake of choosing the bad ones or the wrong person. We should not go into a marriage for comfort. Got to have love, at least care or concern. Am i right or am i just dillusional?

They said that the marriage binds the person for lifetime companionship. But divorce, annulment and separation do happen. Can we trust and place our golden years to the hands of friends, siblings, next gen relatives to give us sincere care? I think its too ideal. After all they got their own lives to run too.

But I agree that having the family is just the simplest and most basic necessity one has to want to fulfill one's life. You would not want for more luxury, you wouldn't ask for so many travels just the thought of being successful in raising a family is a big trophy itself. So simple yet so profound and heart warming. But what if we dont get there??? am i bound to drown in the agony of being alone?

Folks are saying every guy is a candidate, but what if we considered a wrong candidate and can't get out of the situation. Isnt that a deeper hole to get trapped? I sound so cynical don't i?
Some times i do believe that there is someone out there right just for you.. its magical but its sooo hard to find. that sometimes makes me believe more on the saying " men are dead, gay or taken." wag namannnn.

I m leading a life of a hermit.. oh no.. am i on step one of spinsterhood? But how can i just smile and give a wink to a cute guy i meet on the street, at the public transport, at a public office , or at the bank? that's not possible with the culture im in. it all starts with attraction right? so if you really like a person its not in our culture to go up to someone and ask for their name and number and show interest in them. YOu will just sound like a cheap girl nor a maniac ( for a guy). I dont plan it that way. oh my i am just being hopeful. Praying for the right one to come along, if not give me a deed that i should do that will keep me worth living. I dont want to feel so useless..i often feel that way. At least a cause that will keep me going and going.

Just hopeful, believer in the light at the end of a hazy situation.

Musings

It's been a while since my last blog. I have been online almost everyday. Just go busy last week. Got nothing spectacular to write too..

Anyway.. I felt sad that this year a lot of people i know lost their loved ones. Its just sad. But one thing I learned from those sad situations is that ... We should cherish the present and ALWAYS treasure the ones we love. Not for a particular reason , but just for TODAY. We don't need a very strong reason just to stop and take a while to say hi and say you care for another person. We should always think that its gonna be my best always. When the time comes when some sorrow is here, we will say to ourselves, I have given the love, time and attention with all my best every moment. I will never have any regrets because i have shown them every single day to each person I care about.

It came to me that trust is a very big word. Hard for me to do.. But i have to believe in humanity that there is still goodness in each person's heart. I want to see the good. maybe i havent felt the sadness that some singles are experiencing. Maybe I will do someday. But I keep on praying that I will still remain as contented and fulfilled. I want to fulfill my heart's desire by sharing and giving. When the time comes that marriage is all over the air, and I still dont have that, I pray that I dont feel lonely for myself , but happy for them who found the right one to share their life with. I am not asking for more, just merely surviving makes me very grateful of the blessings that have always been there.

I am not anti marriage. When I hear about the stories of my newly wed friend, oh how much i wanted to get married and have that right someone that understands you by your side. I am just so happy that some people get to meet that other missing piece of their person. What saddens me are the fact that some see the idea of love in the wrong way. thus breaking the vow that they are supposed to have taken solemnly , seriously and whole heartedly.

with my great experience plan. i am still on the middle of a very hard decision , will it be a foolish but wonderful side or the plain, uncertain, regrets, but wise decision. I have this very tempting teaching offer, but i have some hesitations that keeps me. like the whole home package thing associated to you automatically upon acceptance of the job. and i hate it. i want to be a free being, with very carefree pattern to go and experience zest in life. I will update til november on what decision i have done. I pray for guidance and peace.

confusion

These are one of the days that I feel like poofing out of this situation.1. I am just really in a bad mood.2. I am in a crazy and in a can't explain why I am in this state.3. Wants to get something impossible done and it really gets me frustrated.
The past has just haunted me, it started out by organizing my papers, documents and identification.Turned out to dig in deeper. My days in highschool were back, college days, heartbreaks, crushes, inspirations, regrets, got me thinking if I did get the robotics course instead of the play safe business course that gets me really no clue where i am headed to.
Am I saying I regret my decision? nah.. i want to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. I just madea decision based on what I felt right in that particular moment. I say I trusted my feelings and instincts. It can never go wrong.
Yes sometimes its not the best, but you gave it all and you thought about it really well. You were just trying to be correct.
If it led me to this path, what does it say?
This whole mind boggling uncertainty is here with me again. I just wanted to jump out and scream at the top of my lungs.. and just be me CAREFREEYes call it stupidity but I may need that hard stupid bump to keep me going.I might go down, but I am ready to face it. ?!?!??And the 8-ball just couldn't cooperate just this once.Look at what it said " my sources say no", " concentrate hard and ask again", "in doubt", "not clear", " maybe" then i think "what are you telling me?"
They clearly know my plan a year ago. They thought I am not serious. But I REALLY AM.Now its really time to make the plans concrete, but still i hear and see some disapproval. I dont want to hurt them, I just want them to let me grow and fly and explore.
I might burst into a monster I never knew, I don't know . but surely it will revert backwards. It just hurts me.NOw I am also afraid,but i want to take the risk. Being the Oh play safely type. i want to prove and challenge myself that I am brave enough.
I'm losing it. I just don't know where to go now. I am so much out of touch. But I am really in doubt.

Grumpy,grumpy

The weather is quite crazy today. I wasnt aware that there'd been an earthquake last night. I was sleeping so soundly.

My moods too was really crazy. One minute I'm so okay, busy with work, next minute I'm all grouchy.
I am watching a rerun of Beautiful days.. love the actors there. Like there are such people like that. make me fall for them.

saranghaeyo

must not mean something to me before not until now. I think this is a very powerful emotion. It just amazes me how this feeling could overwhelm, be so powerful yet so gentle to our lives.

I am too coward to finish a series with so much emotion, I am afraid I can't get over it. I might be looking for it. As I have known myself, I would not want to be falling too deep into it. Unless it is for real. I cannot take the emotional torture over and over again by some people;s emotion. If I get to experience it in reality, it;ll just be fine. I want to get through too. But I don't think I would be brave enough if I get to that such difficult situation all in the name of LOVE. In my opinion everything should be balanced, in time all things will fall into places, just haev faith and have your will.. you can never go wrong following your heart ( with some logical thinking of course, alongside) ;P

I prefer beautiful days and glass shoes, coz they dont bring the whole decade to memory lane. Making the main characters dwell on the past and not move on entirely. Have to live in the present, treasure and cherish the past and just look forward to a brighter future. That's more I like it. Because If i were to apply it to me, I would still be wallowing over my love that I never had. I sent my love to the person but the other party loves another person. I knew it was love because I was willing to let go and just be contented with the fact that I have loved a person that much selflessly.

It was weird the other night. I dreamt that JJ was coming back. At least not to me, but he's coming home. I did not know if its for good or just a visit. But he's one great guy, I really like him. But I never had the chance to tell cos I know it will just make the friendship awkward. And it is obvious that he likes someone else. Love is a mutual feeling between to individuals who just has this certain understanding and infinite concern. it just wont work if we get through it through force. Right time is also a great factor for a lasting love.

dream...

its haunting me again. i think this time i took it with more reasons. And i think i want to follow it. Because it is my love. My vision, my mission.

I have my reasons now. I just dunno how it will affect the other facade of it. I haven't really given it a thought. But it sounds good to me.

everything is puzzling. i ask for clear signs to guide me along the path. I am really confused. I get so committed on one thing , making me hard to leave it all alone.

had fun fun fun ... in SG

About a year ago, I had so much fun with my trip to SG. My first time to travel as an adult. I just had my sister with me.

I was devasted that time because I was not permitted to go for a long educational trip then. I said to myself go to the next best place I wanted to visit, as I am not really hopeful to the long one.

Turned out I had a very great time.. See its been a year and everything seems so exciting and fresh. It was the post SARS season. Tourism board of SG is really really boosting their business. We took advantage of this promo and see the place.

Its not the shopping, but its the Experience. I almost did not do any shopping, not advisable.
But I loved the experience. I walked through the streets just with the guide of map. Rode through the different MRT thoroghfares, different lines with just my english knowledge and instinct to guide me to places. Yes we asked for tips on how to get to a place, but we went there and experience by ourselves. Its amazing how happy i was. Its tiring but I never complained. The culture, the cross cultures, the people ( some are nice, some are skinny, some are stinky, some are cute, some are workaholics) just a variety of people to see. Im fascinated with the mixtures of culture in one nation ( just like united colours of benetton:) . The food not really, still like the home cooked chinese dishes my mom makes. The night spots, they are very impressive. LIke the chijmes ( would love to go there and try dancing to Latin Music), the raffles hotel ( where lots of high rise chill out lounges are located) very preppy and modern.

My best was in Sentosa.. but the handycam i borrowed wasn't really cooperative. It gets crazy when the scenic gets really cool and amazing. its all in my memory. Just like when i went to see the dolphins jump and show off, the camera doesnt work well. Isn't it crazy not to cooperate? I like the cable car, the museums ( did not scare me a bit, usually musuems gets me scared), the underwater world, the fort siloso, the great man made beaches ( i know they're fake, beaches here are better) but they made it fun. I saw secondary studes having their summer outing like an amazing race thing. I LOVE the MALLS----- made me go WOW! their electronic lockers, their interconnected city link malls. The top up system for the transport system. Just amazes me.

OF course i remember the teh tarik. cool drink, love it. I can wear shorts there, I can walk, I can take my time to walk on the streets at 11pm and not hurry home wondering if there are crimes gonna happen for me just being out in the street at that time of the evening. Practice my English communication skills.

Its been a year yet I am still loving it.

is it really better out there?

I got a glimpse of a newsletter that should be an awakening, its purpose is to uplift the culture and race that I am born with. But after reading it, it just spells out a different tune. Saying it is no use living in this land, it is always better on other countries. What hope does that kind of newsletter gives us for those trying hard to love the country we are born on and is destined to make solid foundation here. I think with the several expats stories , it just encourages people to uproot their families here , coz of the disadvantages in security, time, and all the bad things.

I am not so convinced myself whether i am loving this place just as it is . Then I read across these kinds of articles , making me want to flee right away. Now I am in doubt again on my priorities and paths to take along the way.

I just see no future on living peacefully, now that the place is stricken with all kinds of evil deeds in the society. I was praying really hard last night as I was evaluating how I felt on the reading I saw. Made me into tears that I wanted to have an answer to my uncertain feelings that time. BUt I leave it to my faith and ask for signs that I may be able to get through this phase. And see through the light in these troubled times.

am i getting so into their lives?

I really can't believe it, my heart gets hurt by a kid. One difficult kid got my day bad. Make me want to quit my job, not to continue as I am very ashamed of the way i acted before the kids folks. My ego was hurt, my confidence got lower. I used to think its okay to be here now I think this is the reason why I dont want to be in that workplace. I am no longer assured of myself that I can handle other individuals nor kids as i plan to teach in the near future. Cause this particular difficult kid makes me doubt that I am eligible to be an educator.


Was i getting too much into their lives? I am not raised to be non responsive of the people and things going on around me. But sometimes i guess I am not really occupied with what I have to do. Instead I nose around on other people's business.

ARRGGGGGGGGghHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh............. I am sooooooooooo mad and pissed at this kid! How dare she treat me that way. I don't want to show up at work tomorrow. I am just so pissed at her.

funny but its true. I must be insane to be so pissed at a very little girl but she is a brat! I dont care how sweet she can be, but she hurts people. grrrrr...

blog reading is fun

I have been curious of blog.. so i just started my own last month. Actually i find it FUN reading blogs.. i must admit some are weird, for overall i find it fascinating. People rant , wrote how bored they are at work, how weird / sad their day was. Some retell their experiences how they saw their crush today at the canteen and just lit up their day. :) its inspiring.

Some are so proud of the news in the family , in their lives, they just want to share it. Their feelings, emotions were expressed in the blogs.

We write our blogs in different manners, different languages, different emotions. Its cool that we all connect through words and how we all as human have great, good and bad days. its just amazing that there are a lot of individuals out there. Everyone i wish you a good day!

the land of the unknown

The time is getting nearer. i still couldn't figure out what am I gonna decide. It's like I am having more doubts now it is nearer than I have before. Its a big plan actually to go there.. ( the land of unknown- at least to me) I see so many great plans yet I am not really sure what is out there so I still have some uncertainties there. I might find myself there and like it there. I won't like that fact that I would be leaving an entire past here.

I realized that it won't be the same if you go and live on your own. I used to go on a month vacation 3 years ago. I wasn't actually sad, but now come to realize it, it is indeed sad. No friends there, no job, no exact purpose or function, no specific role. No one to talk to, say nonsese thoughts to, no one to compete on which channel to watch, no one to watch a wacky show when a companion tune the tv to a silly show when you are just lazy enough to chose what channel to switch to. i guess that was different because I don't have my computer there either, no resources i think, just tv, food and a blank living area.

If you got enough resources to go out and have fun, the ways to go see places of your interest, a specific purpose to get busy at.. then it won't be boring and sad at all.. I know myself to be not really a talker, not really into other people's business. I seldom talk to people coz i have been burned by the wrong words and don't want to hurt people by words. Even a slight news can affect lives. I know its either way and it would be good and bad for both characters. But I chose to be the quiet individual and just be cheerful with out a word. Of course sometimes we cannot control the words to slip out.. anyway.. we tried our best to control it. words just slips out.

See what silly things comes in my mind: to be an educator, to go volunteer in geriatric houses, seems like im just in my 20's yet i have this thing that I want to skip this part and be part of the end or beginning stages of people's lives. Do i really derive happiness in seeing others happy. I prevent to focus on my happiness coz i know it is endless once you focused on your own and it would turn into greed and then the worse. I dont want it. Is it just normal?

Now i see how fascinating it is as i was running, how i would turn a normal day into a carefree day with all the activities i planned for the day. Not much worries, most anonimities, no fear, but of course with caution. But I want to escape to the limitations that have bounded me, just for a while to experience life outside the box. Im just afraid i might like it outside the box, i would end up hurting my past. I hope i get a conclusion to this situation. I know it should be a no problem situation coz it would just be a temporary thing, but i cant blame myself but i think that way... that long way.. like no turning back direction.

Well.. its a sunday, i watched tv, ran a bit, stretched a bit, then fountains of words in my mind that is why i blog in. have a nice and peaceful sunday. Get ready and be grateful to a new week coming.........

carpe diem!

HOLIDAY

I called a self declared holiday today. But I should be jumping with relief , yet I'm not. I feel the opposite. Guilt. thinking I should be working today. Is it just a product of my laziness. But now that i've been asked of numerous question what I have planned for the next few months, I came to a conclusion that it is very unclear. I see no clarity on my plan, purpose and goal.

I feel I am in chaos, not direction.. wherever the wind takes me.. i think i will just sway in that way. Or am i like a rock.. not willing to move unless by a really strong force of nature.

I am not sad, but I am going in circles. I don't know where i am going. afraid that i might end elsewhere that i dont want to be in..........

I hope this endless circling ends and get to a linear direction.. coz i am getting dizzy of it.

i wish for a greater goodness that will govern the heart, the mind and the soul. so i won't go astray.......................................................................................................................................................

Waters Waters Everywhere...

At first it was just droplets of waters....... then.. came thunders and strong winds.. then big drops of rain pouring really hard. And it seems like there is no end to this rain. It was just 5 am i think. Then I thought, it'll stop later and sun will dry up those rain. but it never did. waited till 7 am. No.. non stop. gotta rush see folks get to the airport.
i see water everywhere.. murky .. not clear. then we gotta get off to work still and brave through the flooded streets on the way to work. i got no choice but to pass through them. Its either traffic, flooded, stranded or the car engine won't start in one time or another. Its been stressful to find a way and guess which streets are flooded and not. The van is old ,it is very sensitive to water splashes on the engine. though it has height it has its weakness too.
I just watched a no understanding needed korean film. a comedy actually .. its funny , she is clumsy, boy meets girl, girl rejected by boy, girl saves boy, boy likes girl and the story goes on...
At work, i'm not productive. I am very anxious to get home early since the rain got tired and stopped for a while.. But I see waters still flooded on the streets. hard to find a dry street that one can pass through smoothly. But i made it home. at last.. but now i heard rain drops again.. winds and dark skies... I see the university streets its like an island with waters surrounding it.

gotta have Faith

It's nice to know that you can have faith on something you want to hold on. Yet its also hard to remain because of the reality happening. It is difficult but it gets us through.

Shit really happens in life.. but should I stop here and just whine???

It wont do me any good. I thought...... hmm.. think think think.. and still no good answer in my mind. It is never easy this way.

Faith is the only thing that gets me through and make me want to go further. Without it, I would have chosen the option : boot out or can i just back out of this thing called life?

It's some light you want to see at the end of everything that you still have to hang on and still go for the end. Hard really hard to do. But life is like this. Either you care or not.. just live with it. So better make it good, enjoy each moment and go with the flow.

so what ever nasty things happening in life, country, crucial trials., and all the worse coming our way... I should be resilient and stand through the trials in time.. that these soon will come to an end and will be trimphant. i'm sorry but I still don't have the answers yet.. but I will really persevere to figure what I need to do and be triumphant.

I wish the world great goodness, understanding and love.. may we be disciplined and conscentious to make the world a better place to live in.

p.s. Can i move to another planet? Are they naive there or more violent? please not that.. i would still hope and want to believe that there is a good in every human.

It's gonna be a bright!!! bright!!! day

Ohhhh.. i 've been so lazy, grouchy, name it i got it.... If i'm gonna be my boss.. I am surely put my name on the list of probation and to watch out for suspension.

I've been so lazy, bad tempered and just not in the mood to work. I just got pissed off, then i lost my temper and lost my motivation.

I don't want to get back in my low point. Where i get low for no reason at all. Is it fear? is it unriskiness?? i dunno.. i hope it jumps up right where it should be. so i would have a happy disposition and cheerful attitude. hate myself when i feel this way.

people tell me how i can help motivate myself to love what i do and see the good in everything. :)

unproductive blues

Is it the weather?? I dunno but i am really unproductive. I always think about good food, what time is it now. I am not bored at work, but neither am i charged up to work as i usually do. Am i bored again? I thought it got wiped out of my system. I have come to terms with myself a year ago that I will love what i have and grow with it. Such as job, situation i am in, and whatever it is in my way.

sometimes there are work to do but my head is aching, my hands doesnt want to move, my body seems so heavy to get up and do work. its bad sign for me.. i dont like what i am seeing. Is it the attitude? Is it how people get crazy when they talk to you and u feel pissed off and frustrateD? I hope not.. maybe its just a cause of lack of sleep. oh.. i wish i wish i wish.. its just that.

or did i just lost my zest to live it greatly because of the fears in me, the unsecure future there is, the worsening situation i see. I just couldn't figure how I can get the good out of it. It felt difficult at this time. I am not complaining, I am even grateful that I still am surviving. But its difficult to find the goodness of it in these bad times... it really bothers me..

I pray hard that i 'd be understanding, be good in my heart amidst the worse situations, wish for everyone's good and just live a day peacefully at a time.

I still have the question, i wasnt able to answer it now.. but will do eventually.. see me as i go through it trimphantly... again i wish every one a great day.

right imperfect one...

this is the catchy line i read from an email forwarded by a friend. it has been on my inbox for almost a year now but i remembered that line really well.

For me i think it is really a sensible thing to consider. I just wonder if there is really a thing that exist. sometimes i want to believe that it is possible. But today as i was walking and talking with my mum.. i came to a conclusion that no one is really worth considering as of this point. Lots of aspects to look at, a very uncertain future lies ahead of me. I am not looking down on other people but the other way around. i find it really difficult to understand another individual. Consider your parents or your siblings.. you lived with them for decades but still you just sigh when u have something you dont agree at. What more if you are gonna make a new individual a part of your life anew. isnt that difficult? please somebody explain to me..

back in the days where i was in school, i used to think i cannot think about relationships coz i am really oriented on excelling in learning new things. i really love to learn new things, new culture, and see good things in it. but then now i am out of school.. a new complication devours. I did not see the pure heart and sincerity I used to see in people. I have a lot of question and things on my mind when i see a person. And it disappoints me that people are not as good as i thought they are. :( sad isnt it. Can i just go back to the days where not so practical things should be considered and see the innate goodness of one. Then we can say we can get along with it or get used to it.

I guess i am still confused with the main idea of it. but im not closing the idea.. continuing to learn the way to it or maybe figuring how it works. Really hopeful.

wish everybody love and a great night. blowing my wishes in the wind...

home bound

I lived in a very conservative family setting. I used to get angry, not being able to enjoy what is out there. but then i learned to live with it. I used to envy what its like to go party on wee hours. I ;ve had my share of those times, i had fun but now i am sure that i am over it. I am home bound, thankful for what i already have.

I could really not ask for anything more. I have received abundance. i dare not to ask . If there are blessings to come or hardships. I would be brave enough to face them.

i do not know what the future holds, but i hope i am ready what is in store for tommorrow. Wish me well.. i hope everyone is great too.. to be brave enough to see how beautiful life after pain sorrow and hurt. But to see it in a good way.. there is love, joy and peace that we should aim for.

idealism vs. reality

I used to be idealistic, thinking everything is good, people are good. No such bad things happen in real life. It is just the creation of men's imagination.

But i got through on bad situation, realized bad things do happen in reality. Trust is so hard to gain. Friendship so difficult to have. But after being so afraid, i realized life is not worth living if these are not around. What do i have to live for if i am all afraid, friends merely don't exist, afraid to love and trust. So why else do i live, i would not want to go through life like a numb robot.

I have learned that in life there are good and bad things. We go through experiences to learn and know which is right and wrong. Know how to weigh things are worth keeping and which to prioritize. Everything should be in moderation. Love must be enough reason . Forgive yourself and others. Just have faith on something you wish for. Wish everyone good. Give your best in everything.

I believe in righteousness. Yes somethings are worth keeping but doing it wrongly would just erase the good intention underlying it. I believe that TIME do heal, help, solve things. Need not to force things but give the natural force make things happen.

I must admit i am still trying to be positive amidst all the violence, proofs of evil things around. I dont want to live in fear nor would want to go through life in fear. I want answer to liberate me from fears, doubts. I like to consider my life as a mission to prove that life can be lived in good, peaceful way.

May the ONE above provide guidance, support, unfailing faith to serve my mission. Though sometime we feel we are weak in faith, i would want to believe it is just part of a test and lesson to get us prepared with the ones ahead.

dinner, movies and chat the night away..

About my week , to sum it up i would describe it as normal, busy and just right. 
Actually work gets really busy. Then at home I watch different genres of tv. from documentaries to series to music videos.  it's fascinating to know that people are really diverse and creative.  
 
Last weekend i had a great time with friends. We had a little dinner, actually i  came late for the dinner but its okay i did not miss a lot on the conversations :) also the restaurant is quite crowded unable to talk so much on a long table.
 
Watched I. Robot, hmm.. got me sleepy, uneasy uncomfy with the not so state of the art movie house we went in. Will smith acts well on these types of movies. Bridget co star is a great actress too.  After the movie, as we were walking to the parking area, we had an idea of not going home right away.  We still like to talk and chat a bit more, we weren't talking the whole time at the cinema.  We had  coffee, i had my fave.. decaf caramel machhiatto hot. .. mmmmmmmmm..  the mango with citrus is quite unique too.  The coffee house is not crowded at 12.  just a few groups who came dressed elegantly from the hotel across.. i think they came from a wedding party or from a disco.  toning down the night..
 
SUNDAY.. ahhhhhhhhhhh relax day. woke up really late, watch my choice of tv show. Finished up my korean series.. slept early.. isn't it great !!!
 
MoNDAY.  quite a starter for the week.  not too busy not too vacant.  The weather is making me sleepy.  sun would go up, then rain will fall. then again sun will come up again.  I made dessert after dinner... peach crepe... yummy.. the cream and the choco syrup just did the trick.. loved it. :) till then.. will visit for my next journey. !

great to be here.

 
 
i've read some blogs in the past..  i like it a lot. and its fun.  Reading other people's boredom at their office works and their life desires and frustrations.
 
to start, day is completely okay.  Still not so complete, there is a fear. I dont know where it comes from but i sense there is something.  Will get thru it.. i will i will :)
 
while i was busy searching for some stuffs... interesting.. some are shocking.  I accidentally surfed thru the femalenetwork site.. they got this hunk poll.. ahhhh its really guy fest.. all of them are cuties..   but my bets were not even on the top 10.  There is atom araullo, drew arellano, dennis trillo, tj manotoc, derek ramsey and many more..  hayyyyy lots of cuties.
 
my tv time today is inexistent.. got busy with this one :)
 summing it all up. i'm pretty okay with my day.  was even more devastated 2 days before. thankful of a great day.!