Graduation speech by JG

very inspiring...

here is the full speech
I wish I were one of you today, instead of a 77-year-old man, giving a speech you will probably forget when you wake up from your hangover tomorrow. You may be surprised I feel this way. Many of you are feeling fearful and apprehensive about your future. You are thinking that, perhaps, your Ateneo diploma will not mean a whole lot in the future in a country with too many problems. And you are probably right. You are thinking that our country is slipping-no, sliding. Again, you may be right.
Twenty years ago, we were at par with countries like Thailand, Malaysia, and Singapore. Today, we are left way behind. You know the facts.
Twenty years ago, the per capita income of the Filipino was 1,000 US dollars. Today, it's 1,100dollars. That's a growth of only ten percent in twenty years. Meanwhile, Thailand's per capita income today is double ours; Malaysia, triple ours; and Singapore, almost twenty times ours.
With globalization coming, you know it is even more urgent to wake up. Trade barriers are falling, which means we will have to compete harder. In the new world, entrepreneurs will be forced to invest their money where it is most efficient. And that is not necessarily in the Philippines. Even for Filipino entrepreneurs, that can be the case.
For example, a Filipino brand like Maxx candy can be manufactured in Bangkok --where labor, taxes, power and financing are cheaper and more efficient --and then exported to other ASEAN countries. This will be a common scenario if things do not change. Pretty soon, we will become a nation that buys everything and produces practically nothing. We will be like the prodigal son who took his father's money and spent it all. The difference is that we do not have a generous father to run back to. But despite this, I am still very excited about the future. I will tell you why later.
You have been taught at the Ateneo to be "a person for others." Of course, that is noble: To serve your countrymen. Question is: How? And my answer is: Be an entrepreneur!
You may think I am just a foolish man talking mundane stuff when the question before him is almost philosophical. But I am being very thoughtful here, and if I may presume this about myself, being patriotic as well. Entrepreneurship is the answer. We need young people who will find the idea, grab the opportunity, take the risk, and set aside comfort to set up businesses that will provide jobs.
But why? What are jobs? Jobs are what allow people to feel useful and build their self-esteem. Jobs make people productive members of the community. Jobs make people feel they are worthy citizens. And jobs make a country worthy players in the world market.
In that order of things, it is the entrepreneurs who have the power to harness the creativity and talents of others to achieve a common good. This should leave the world a better place than it was. Let me make it clear: Job creation is a priority for any nation to move forward. For example, it is the young entrepreneurs of Malaysia, Thailand, and Singapore who created the dynamic businesses that have propelled their countries to the top. Young people like yourselves.
Meanwhile, in the Philippines, progress is slow. Very little is new. Hardly anything is fresh. With a few exceptions, the biggest companies before the war-- like PLDT, Ayala, and San Miguel -- are still the biggest companies today.
All right, being from the Ateneo, many of you probably have offers from these corporations already. You may even have offers from JG Summit. I say: Great! Take these offers, work as hard as you can, learn everything these companies can teach and then leave!
If you dream of creating something great, do not let a 9-to-5 job-even a high-paying one-lull you into a complacent, comfortable life. Let that high-paying job propel you toward entrepreneurship instead.
When I speak of the hardship ahead, I do not mean to be skeptical but realistic. Even you Ateneans, who are famous for your eloquence, you cannot talk your way out of this one. There is nothing to do but to deal with it. I learned this lesson when, as a13-year-old, I lost my dad.
Before that, I was like many of you: a privileged kid. I went to Cebu's best school; lived in a big house; and got free entrance to the Vision, the largest movie house in Cebu, which my father owned. Then my dad died, and I lost all these. My family had become poor -- poor enough to split my family. My mother and five siblings moved to China where the cost of living was lower. I was placed under the care of my Grand Uncle Manuel Gotianuy, who put me through school. But just two years later, the war broke out, and even my Uncle Manuel could no longer see me through. I was out in the streets -- literally.
Looking back, this time was one of the best times of my life. We lost everything, true, but so did everybody! War was the great equalizer. In that setting, anyone who was willing to size up the situation, use his wits, and work hard, could make it!
It was every man for himself, and I had to find a way to support myself and my family. I decided to be a market vendor. Why? Because it was something that I, a 15-year-old boy in short pants, could do.
I started by selling simple products in the palengke half an hour by bike from the city. I had a bicycle. I would wake up at five in the morning, load thread, soap and candles into my bike, and rush to the palengke. I would rent a stall for one peso a day, layout my goods on a table as big as this podium, and begin selling. I did that the whole day.
I sold about twenty pesos of goods every day. Today, twenty pesos will only allow you to send twenty text messages to your crush, but 63 years ago, it was enough to support my family. And it left me enough to plow back into my small, but growing, business.
I was the youngest vendor in the palengke, but that didn't faze me. In fact, I rather saw it as an opportunity. Remember, that was 63 years and 100pounds ago, so I could move faster, stay under the sun more, and keep selling longer than everyone else.
Then, when I had enough money and more confidence, I decided to travel to Manila from Cebu to sell all kinds of goods like rubber tires. Instead of my bike, I now traveled on a batel -- a boat so small that on windless days, we would just float there. On bad days, the trip could take two weeks!
During one trip, our batel sank! We would have all perished in the sea were it not for my inventory of tires. The viajeros were happy because my tires saved their lives, and I was happy because the viajeros, by hanging on to them, saved my tires. On these long and lonely trips I had to entertain myself with books, like Gone With The Wind.
After the war, I had saved up 50,000 pesos. That was when you could buy a chicken for 20 centavos and a car for 2,000 pesos. I was 19 years old.
Now I had enough money to bring my family home from China. Once they were all here, they helped me expand our trading business to include imports. Remember that the war had left the Philippines with very few goods. So we imported whatever was needed and imported them from everywhere-including used clothes and textile remnants from the United States. We were probably the first ukay-ukay dealers here.
Then, when I had gained more experience and built my reputation, I borrowed money from the bank and got into manufacturing. I saw that coffee was abundant, and Nescafe of Nestle was too expensive for a country still rebuilding from the war, so my company created Blend 45.
That was our first branded hit. And from there, we had enough profits to launch Jack and Jill. From one market stall, we are now in nine core businesses-including retail, real estate, publishing, petrochemicals, textiles, banking, food manufacturing, Cebu Pacific Air and Sun Cellular.
When we had shown success in the smaller businesses, we were able to raise money in the capital markets -- through IPOs and bond offerings -- and then get into more complex, capital-intensive enterprises. We did it slow, but sure.
Success doesn't happen overnight. It's the small successes achieved day by day that build a company. So, don't be impatient or focused on immediate financial rewards. I only started flying business class when I got too fat to fit in the economy seats.
And I even wore a used overcoat while courting my wife-it came from my ukay-ukay business. Thank God Elizabeth didn't mind the mothball smell of my overcoat or maybe she wouldn't have married me.
Save what you earn and plow it back.
And never forget your families! Your parents denied themselves many things to send you here. They could have traveled around the world a couple of times with the money they set aside for your education, and your social life, and your comforts.
Remember them -- and thank them.
When you have families of your own, you must be home with them for at least one meal everyday. I did that while I was building my company. Now, with all my six children married, I ask that we spend every Sunday lunch together, when everything under the sun is discussed.
As it is with business, so it is with family. There are no short cuts for building either one. Remember, no short cuts.
Saint Ignatius of Loyola, your patron saint, and founder of this 450-year old organization I admire, described an ideal Jesuit as one who "lives with one foot raised." I believe that means someone who is always ready to respond to opportunities.
Saint Ignatius knew that, to build a successful organization, he needed to recruit and educate men who were not afraid of change but were in fact excited by it. In fact, the Jesuits were one of the earliest practitioners of globalization. As early as the 16thcentury, upon reaching a foreign country, they compiled dictionaries in local languages like Tamil and Vietnamese so that they could spread their message in the local language. In a few centuries, they have been able to spread their mission in many countries through education.
The Jesuits have another quote. "Make the whole world your house" which means that the ideal Jesuit must be at home everywhere. By adapting to change, but at the same time staying true to their beliefs, the Society of Jesus has become the long-lasting and successful organization it is today and has made the world their house.
So, let live with one foot raised in facing the next big opportunity: globalization.
Globalization can be your greatest enemy. It will be your downfall if you are too afraid and too weak to fight it out. But it can also be your biggest ally.
With the Asian Free Trade agreement and tariffs near zero, your market has grown from 80 million Filipinos to half a billion Southeast Asians. Imagine what that means to you as an entrepreneur if you are able to find a need and fill it. And imagine, too, what that will do for the economy of our country!
Yes, our government may not be perfect, and our economic environment not ideal, but true entrepreneurs will find opportunities anywhere. Look at the young Filipino entrepreneurs who made it. When I say young-and I'm 77, remember-I am talking about those in their 50s and below. Tony Tan of Jollibee, Ben Chan of Bench, Rolando Hortaleza of Splash, and Wilson Lim of Abensons.
They're the guys who weren't content with the9-to-5 job, who were willing to delay their gratification and comfort, and who created something new, something fresh. Something Filipinos are now very proud of. They all started small but now sell their hamburgers, T-shirts and cosmetics in Asia, America, and the Middle East.
In doing so, these young Filipino entrepreneurs created jobs while doing something they were passionate about.
Globalization is an opportunity of a lifetime-for you. And that is why I want to be out there with you instead of here behind this podium-perhaps too old and too slow to seize the opportunities you can.
Let me leave you with one last thought. Trade barriers have fallen. The only barriers left are the barriers you have in your mind. So, Ateneans, Class of2004, heed the call of entrepreneurship. With a little bit of will and a little bit of imagination, you can turn this crisis into your patriotic moment-and truly become a person for others.
"Live with one foot raised and make the world your house."
To this great University, my sincerest thanks for this singular honor conferred on me today.
To the graduates, congratulations and Godspeed.
"Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam".
Thank you.

Entreprenuering. JG's advice to the youth

This is a speech that has been given on april 2002. But it never left my thought. It really struck me to be a better individual and defy the odds. It is very good, inspiring, encouraging and challenging. it is addressed to the youth who are not big risk takers, and are patterned to just go on to the corporate world. Even those with potential are joining the band wagon. An awakening to the youth who are very eager to get out of the country after schooling to get a job out side the country. where there is more freedom, greener field to graze, more opportunities, bigger purchasing power. but stil this is encouraged so we can grow as a nation.

Here is the beautiful piece by mr. JG.

John Gokongwei's speech at the Ateneo on entrepreneurship

Good morning.
I am John Gokongwei, Jr. I am not an Atenean but I feel at home with you. Today, at least. Sixty-two years ago, I could not have dreamt of appearing before the Jesuits and their students to tell the story of MY life. I was no more than a student then, at San Carlos University in Cebu, when my father died suddenly. It left me, the eldest, the responsibility of taking care of my mother and five siblings. That was tough for someone who was 13. Creditors had just seized our home and business and I had no experience with earning a living.
But here I am - not all on account of my good looks or charming personality but because I somehow survived. And when I look back, I know now that I did so because I recognized CHANGE when I saw it.
The first change was war. I had turned 15. My mother had already sent my brothers and sister to China where the cost of living was lower. From Cebu, she and I had to make money to send to them.
I turned to peddling. My day began at 5 in the morning. I would load my bicycle with soap, thread, and candles, and then bike to neighboring towns to sell my goods. On market days, I would rent a stall, lay out the goods from the bike, and make about 20 pesos a day, enough for me to survive and to buy even more goods for next time. Those days, you might call my BICYCLE AGE.
After two years of biking and peddling at 17, I entered my BATEL AGE. The batel was a small very utilitarian boat that defied the open sea and would take me farther from Cebu and all the way to Lucena, from where I would take a truck to Manila, with companions twice or thrice my age. The sea trips could take two to three weeks depending on the weather, and the land trips another five to six hours. (I was lighter then, you can imagine.) On the batel, I read books like "Gone with the Wind" under the great blue sky to pass away the time - even if we traders were always in fear of sea pirates and the bad weather.
Once, our batel hit a rock and sank. Thank heavens for my rubber tires! Those were the goods I had with me to sell in Manila. Well, we all held on to those tires, which meant I saved all those traders and those traders saved all my tires.
At that time, the War was still going on. Ironically, I look back at the War with the fondest of memories. It was the great equalizer. Almost everyone I knew had lost big and small fortunes at the time. This meant we all started at ground zero.
When the war ended, I was 19. Because of the war, the economy was more dependent than ever on imports. So when I set up Amasia, my first company, it was to import textile remnants, fruit, old newspaper and magazines, and used clothing from the U.S.
There was a side benefit to this. I would wear some of my own stock, so I would have different clothes to wear when I went courting Elizabeth, the woman who would be my wife. But at the end of it, I made some money. The Bicycle Age was over. The TRADING AGE began. By then, my brothers and sister returned from China. Together, we worked in the trading business I had begun - as bodegeros, clerks, warehousemen, cashiers, and collectors. And all this while they were all still going to school; me, I stopped schooling. Like most Chinese-Filipino families, we worked where we lived, and at times, we had to endure the stench of rotten oranges and potatoes filling our two-story apartment.
By the early '50s, we were importing cigarettes and whiskey as well. Business was good. But two factors made me change strategies again. First, I saw that trading would in time become a low-margin business BECAUSE we were at the mercy of our suppliers and buyers. Second, I saw that the government was working on import-substitution policies to encourage local business. President Quirino wanted to shore up the country's foreign exchange reserves that had been depleted as a result of the high importation of the post-war years.
So I decided to enter the AGE of MANUFACTURING. In 1957, I started a corn milling plant producing glucose and cornstarch. Why cornstarch? Because I thought - and it turned out, correctly - that the unglamorous cornstarch would be in great demand from better known businesses like textiles, paper, ice cream, pharmaceuticals, and beer.
But there was one problem: I needed capital. This was not easy. I was 30, had no big company success to back me up, and I didn't know any bankers. Thankfully, Dr. Albino Sycip, then chairman of China Bank, and DK Chiong, then president, gave me a clean loan of P500,000 to start my business. He would be asked later why he did that and he said something about knowing a good man when he saw one. (Maybe he knew something I didn't.) Anyway, from there Universal Corn Products, the predecessor of Universal Robina Corporation, was born.
Of course, the bigger cornstarch players did not give us an easy time. They engaged us in a price war. That is a nice way of saying they tried to kill us by selling low.
But we prevailed, and started to get clients like San Miguel Corporation. It was my first real taste of competition. And I liked it. I think THAT first experience prepared me for the bigger tougher competitors in my future.
By 1961, corn starch was becoming a commodity, and I saw that there was no future in a business where we had to keep lowering margins to survive. It was time to get into bigger, and riskier, games played by big multinationals like Procter and Gamble and Nestle. I saw that all they did to capture the market was to brand their products, for instance their coffee and their toothpaste. That is, give their coffee and toothpaste a name, a face, and an image that customers would instantly recognize - and identify with quality. Me, I dreamt that one day I would be the Philippine Nestle or General Foods. So the Manufacturing Age for me was giving way to the AGE of BRANDS.
So, we put up CFC, and our first successful product was Blend 45, an instant coffee we put out to directly compete with Nestle's Nescafe. We positioned it as "the poor man's coffee," hired top movie star Susan Roces to endorse it, and employed Procter-and-Gamble veterans to sell it. Basically, we took a page out of the multinational book and applied it to our business. We gave our coffee, snack food, candy, and chocolates a name, a face, an image. Today, Jack and Jill, Max candy, and Cloud 9 have become household names. It was also at this time that I returned to school for an MBA - with all due respect to the Jesuits, at De La Salle University - and a decade later for a 14-week advanced management program at Harvard. Going back to the university for studies which war had interrupted gave me an appreciation, believe me, for the beauty and the breadth of business life. This is something I believe I would never have gained if I had chosen to stop my education. The success of URC opened up many opportunities for our group. We had the choice to focus on food where we were very successful - or to pursue other businesses. We decided that there were too many good opportunities to pass up, and that remaining in our comfort zone would stunt our growth. So we got into the Age of Expansion.
For the next two decades, we pursued businesses that answered positive on FOUR CRUCIAL QUESTIONS.
First: Is there a market?
Second: Could we compete against both local and foreign players?
Third: Could we find the right people for the job and did we have enough capital to pursue the business?
Last and most important: Did we have the stomach for it? That is, could we take the sleepless nights, the cutthroat competition?
We went into textiles, retail, real estate, telecommunications, aviation, banking, and petrochemicals because we said YES to all those questions. Still, in all those industries, we were faced with tough and worthy competitors - the mighty SM Department Stores and Malls, the unbeatable PLDT, the entrenched Philippine Airlines and the powerful San Miguel Corporation. Most pundits expected us to fail. They were wrong. Robinsons Stores and Mall, Digitel, Cebu Pacific Air and Universal Robina Corporation are now market leaders in their respective fields.
That's because they offered the public a choice.
Remember the story of David and Goliath? Every industry has its Goliath. But every David knows that all giants have their weaknesses. Every weakness is an opportunity.
In a few months, we will launch our mobile services to compete with two giants, Globe and Smart. Our stomachs are churning for sure - but we know that we faced similar challenges before, and we are hopeful we can prove the pundits wrong again.
In the past decade, which is one-sixth of my entire business life, the company has tripled in size. This was the decade when our companies raised money from the global equity and debt markets, brought our companies public, and hired the best professionals to run them. In six decades, we grew from a one-man team to a group with 30,000 employees.
Now I am in what you can probably call the AGE of GLOBALIZATION. I am always asked where I stand on this issue. I say that it does NOT matter where I stand because as sure as the Ateneo Basketball Team will win next year's UAAP championship, global barriers will come crashing down, and we have no choice but to prepare ourselves for that.
Still our company will not take globalization sitting down - OUR future and the country's depend on how we act now. JG operates branded food concerns in Malaysia, Indonesia, Singapore, Thailand, Hongkong, China, and soon, Vietnam. We also sell our snack foods in India, Korea, and Taiwan - one of the few ASEAN companies to do so.
In a few years, when foreign products find their way into OUR shopping carts as they already have, we want Piattos and Chippy to find their way into THEIR shopping carts as well. Our dream is to be the first group to plant the Philippine flag throughout Asia.
As I look back, I ask myself, "What if I had stopped at cornstarch?" I would probably be the owner of the biggest cornstarch group in the country today or just as possibly, be broke.
But I chose to live my life unafraid even during times when I WAS afraid. I discovered that opportunities don't find you. You find your opportunities.
I found those opportunities when MY FATHER PASSED AWAY, WHEN WAR CAME, THROUGH CHANGES IN PRESIDENTS AND THEIR POLICIES, DURING MARTIAL LAW,DESPITE THE COUPS D' ETAT, PAST ECONOMIC BOOMS AND BUSTS, AND IN THE MIDST OF MARKET SHIFTS AND MOVEMENTS.
Now I'm 75 and retired. And funny, but I often wonder what ever happened to my first bike! The bike that was my companion during those first years when my family had lost everything. I wonder where it is now. That bike reminds me that success is not necessarily about connections, or cutting corners, or chamba - the three C's of bad business.
Call it trite - but, believe me, success CAN BE ACHIEVED through hard work, frugality, integrity, responsiveness to change - and most of all boldness to dream. These have never been just easy slogans for me. I have lived by them. I hope that many of you in this room will some day choose to be entrepreneurs. Choose to be an entrepreneur because then YOU create value. Choose to be an entrepreneur because the products, services, and jobs you create then becomes the lifeblood of our nation. But most of all, choose to be an entrepreneur because then you desire a life of adventure, endless challenge, and the opportunity to be your BEST SELF.
Thank you. *

Be inspired and get up youth.

On finding the light…

I am reading a book on Lee Kwan Yew’s crucial years. His point of view of an educator is that one must have the aptitude to teach, coax, even cajole if necessary, and to give oneself. It is a talent that should be shared and not just to be treated like any other job. Can’t be compared to any factory worker, can’t be looked at as a big compensation package. We put heart on this vocation. It makes me think on how I want to really pursue this study. But the fat that someone will get hurt with leaving the country to pursue y dream. It gets me really confused on what priorities to take. But I made a promise to myself and I don’t intend to break it because I want to follow my dream. I hope I can find a compromise on this where I can serve both and be happy. The 2 choices are repelling ideas if we base on consequence, it targets different audiences, but they have the same intention. Doing such decision is mind boggling. Why didn’t the Philippines create such an opportunity and be a country with values and discipline. So studies and work can be found here. No more sad goodbyes at the airport because people have to find a good work outside the country. I hope this nation find the light and be disciplined, equipped and be able to stand proudly.

SCROOGY

I always had this belief to go against the flow. It is just in my nature. Maybe from experience, I never looked good or did not stand out by following the trend or what is dictated or is expected from you. Creating a big event over something can get a person expecting a lot. It happens to be a great disappointment most of the time. Maybe following without getting me convinced shows how insincere I am towards something.

As Christmas season comes, everybody is expected to trade gifts, give something for the sake of the season or etc. But I just don’t feel it is right if it not sincerely given. But due to social pressure that a norm is set, sometimes I tend to doubt my stand on gift giving. I want to treat this season as normal and good days. No occasions please. If you want to be good, be good all year round, be nice and spread love. If you want change, you can do it tomorrow not at the end or start of some date or event. Not just on occasions. Creating the fuss over an events, tends to magnify what ever you feel there is. Happiness, depression, loneliness, solitude. All these feelings are magnified which gets a person insane. Suddenly, I felt the odd one out when I see everybody doing the traditional gift giving heartless routine. That is a waste of time, money, effort and yet produces obligated giving. That is heavy for the heart too.. so no use to go through all that. Yes I did not give gifts, but I know I am true and trying to be good to everyone as possible and be there when I can help. Isn’t Christmas supposed to remind us to be nice and to love each other? Not to smile half heartedly..

Lessons learned:

1. learn to say I don’t know or I will check first. Pretending you know everything will get you into deeper trouble. Sometimes just trying to get attention will get people to distrust your credibility.
2. learn to say no on stuffs that is impossible to do.
3. be sensitive and fair to other people.
4. words can hurt, be aware of what you say.
5. be more understanding of people. That way you will grow as a person.
6. I have a trust issue. Commitment is a very big thing for me.

Sorry…

These few days of solitude got me thinking a lot, reading a lot, and see what I really am. As I was having random thoughts, some thoughts of apologies came up to my mind for actions brought about by youth and innocence. These actions have been insensitive, inconsiderate and selfish. All these guilt just came up at the time I finished schooling. I realized how I have hurt a person but realizing , damage has been done and I did not do anything at the very moment to make the situation better or fair. I hurt Ems several times. Still she doesn’t say a word or get back at me for that. She just stated an instance that she has this thing against me on how I bossed around and not even thankful. Instead she got scolded by the family. When she slipped through the rainy weather, I just shouted “AYYYYY” but did not help her get up but just stared at her. Another incident was when she got scolded at home because a fellow classmate borrowed her mom’s voice recorder but never got it back. It was I who referred the person to borrow from her. As a referrer, I thought that transaction was their business not mine. But still I have the responsibility over it. She never said a word. Or was I still too insensitive and just self centered over the situation that I did not care enough for the part of my friend. I am really thankful and yet so sorry on how I treated her helpful intention. Instead I delegated the whole thing to her, yet I want full credit to it. It is just a recipe for a big monster in process. And mostly I did not do anything to make the situation better.

Now I understand how hard it is to understand another person and be selfless at the same time. It is fulfilling but tiring at times. As I want to teach my niece the lesson on how one should be sensitive and that words or unintended action can hurt a another person. That can change a lot of things.
oh i takes a really long time, for me to realize things i've done in the past are wrong. Though i know i have to forgive myself, I want to do better because of things i learned, but sometimes it haunts me.

Clutter Clutter

not so good start for this morning. i got awakened by this pain in my throat. I may take antibiotics soon if i can't bearthis recurring pain. And next thing i saw is the clutter , pile of unorganized things, toys everywhere. I am not sayingit is bad to have lots of toys. but please do mind about other people using the room. Have the courtesy to get the room tidier than when u saw it first.
And the one thing that really gets to my nerve, is when my pc is down. the monitor just wont start up, must be theproblem again with the power cord. it really angers me. You see my worst attitude when pc brokes down.so little thing to get me so infuriating. but i dont know it always happen. this is my trigger.

of heartaches and quitting

My mind was clouded yesterday. with angst, pity, and almost quitting as my attitude for the whole time being. I am seriously considering changing environment, careers, and get a jump start on my life. To really pursue my dream. Stop caring, just think of myself .

I am jsut stopping myself from saying stupid words.

When you just cared too much that you want to make an unwilling person to correct their mistakes. It just bounced right back at you. It hurts really really deep.

I shouldn't have let myself trust and care too much. Being indifferent can get you further wihtout hurting yourself.

it would take months for me to heal a heart ache. how would i ever recover from this.

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT..

I came home feeling bad about causing so much trouble with the whole bunch because of wrong time managment, miscalculation , and a whole lot of trouble.
It initially is a deadline to have a merchandised replaced with a correct size. SoI insist to have it replaced today, or it would cause much more trouble when done onother days.
Just when i thought i was an adult enough on my right balance and good nature. I justfelt off balance right now. Feeling so centered (sometimes in selfish way) and unaware of others' need. I am really really fearful of getting scolded, beingstuck in trouble / fuss , and geez i am such a sucker of dependency.
I came home getting everybody else stressed up, yet i am a person that is less productive, even less helpful. But sucks more out of my job. I felt so self centered, sostingy. Seeing my other co workers get to buy some snacks just for the fun of it.
But me, with my personality, i hardly shell anything out just to get us a snack. I feelso terrible on how i think only of myself.
I do things responsibly, as much as possible don't want to cause trouble but that isall for my convenience. I don't spend so much money, because I know I want to beresponsible with myself and not do anything that might jepardize my pride and future due to miscalculation and over spending just because you want to have a good charisma. But sometimes charisma will just get you going through the daycreating many relationships. It is how you want people to perceive you with. If youtreat people this way, you just let them think that this is the way you should be treated. With so little resources and little safety left in the society i just felt my night time is just over good for home activities only.
I can't even have this extended time to get to do things. designed for this mode, so I won't get sermon for getting home late and getting everybody worried. This waymy person will be perfect candidate in the "people to forget easily" list.
But I am hopeful that I can stil make changes and shift to healthier and well roundedattitude. To think of others. A fuel for one to get a harmonious relationship going.I will start being good towards myself and see more for others.
sometimes it just make it so hard to make decisions that can affect a lot of people..Itjust really made me feel bad today.
Seeing some things getting on perspective made me feel i am just good to get to the next level of my plans in me..
note: it is 2 am , i was awaken being bothered with the feeling that I am so uselessas an individual right now for being so selfish. Being such an impatient person, Iwanted to instill changes right away to be a better person and sleep more soundl

Non- Prime

My sunday is filled with activities. ..

i started having breakfast with my dad n nephew.. well i got the good ol' golden brown waffle its yummy!

then i came home checked in some mails and i was hesistant to go to kalaw area because i heard of the traffic rerouting scheduled on the area for the SEA games parade. the main street will be closed and it means traffic and lots of troubles of commuters. but then we heard it will be set on for 5 pm.. so 930 am won't do harm.

we got there with a little inconvenience. Instead of going straight we have to go to a different route to pass through the baggage check. but it was okay. I was too full to have a swim and the weather is quite cloudy. makes me really sleepy and lazy. I brought my book " Time traveller's wife" never fails to amaze me. i like how the story went. i was just in the few chapters of the book but it is really amazing.

After that.. abruptly we decided to watch the HP on cinemas but too bad we got there at 12nn and the movie is starting already. The next filming is either at 2pm or 3pm. such a long wait with a limited budget on our pocket. it is really unplanned. we dont want to let our parents worry a lot of being away from home with a knowledge that we'd just go swimming .

so we settled for a jake starrer movie the "PRIME" and it was a bad movie. uma thurman's acting wasn't even moving . hahrhghghgh.. waste of my ticket fare. but its fine.. got to do some regular person hanging out on weekends.

By the time we are finished with the movie.. the street were already closed, crowded and jammed. almost getting ready for the SEAG parade.

By the time i got home, i realized i want to write this blog, help in the kitchen, watch very long engagement.

well well nice sunday afternoon. with limited budget

must not forget i had a bad mami at the DND.. too salty.. good thing their strawberry tea chill is yum. so i had a 2nd round lunch at home.. well welll nothing beats like a good home cooked meal by my mum.

downside is I promised my mum that we'd go to SM this sunday to see on some new clothes on the rack. but i dont feel like going to SM. First i dont have that much cash ..so i cant take her out, its traffic... an effect at the other end of the metro due to the SEAG event. maybe next time.. with less events going so much over the metro without the rush. :)

sing songs

So In Love :: Kim Jung Woon

LSIH - OST

Spring, summer, fall & winter dreams..
Those are shinning like a star
They keep whispering,
"I'm so in love with you"

Spring, summer, fall & winter love..
It is breezing to my heart and it keeps telling,
"I'll make you rainbow smile"

I remember when we were angels,
when we dreamed about us
All my days were happy
just like a snowy christmas
I wish i'd have them always..

Every step i make writes a story
It is full of the heart
feeling love of my life
and missing friends of my time
I Wish i'd have them all..

In Spring, summer, fall & winter days..
we've been sharing all the hearts
love shines in my eyes
love just won't fade away

I remember when we were angels,
when we dreamed about us
All my days were happy
just like a snowy christmas
I wish i'd have them always..

Every step i make writes a story
It is full of the heart
feeling love of my life
and missing friends of my time
I Wish i'd have them all..

If you'd all the way show me the world
where I will stay in love
All my days will be white
just like a snowy christmas
You're just all I need

===
Give My Love (english Version)
Edwad Chun (Save the Last Dance)

When i look in your eyes i can see that you
Want to be with me but you're so scared
And i don't know what to say or do
But the tears keep falling from your eyes
And i know that
Times won't change my love
And i can't do nothing to keep you

Oh, i'll give my love oh
when i hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that i can't change my love
Take my love all through the night¦

As the hours pass away
You think that love ain't here to stay
Feel a beat from your chest
But you don't give doubt a moment's rest
You dream the future and all you see is dark
Listen to your heart, baby, the truth will set sparks

Now i'll give my love oh when i hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that i can't change my love
Take my love all through the night
Oh, i'll give my love oh when i hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that time won't change my love
Take my love all through the night¦

I'll give my love oh when i hold you tight
Give my love, through kisses oh so bright
And you know that i can't change my love
Take my love all through the night¦

and the song goes..

"Home"

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I’ve had my run

Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be allright
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home


hmm... :)

temper rising

i had a really cold shower but i did not mind at all. My temper got me so upset that i jsut want to dip into a coldwater and lose the temper.

I almost gone insane today for the kids at work. it just frustrates me. things like these make me want to get out of the country go bakcpacking and wander out of this circle. i felt so hurt and tired always.

I must supress this anger in favor of social norms and respect for people around me. so no wonder i might catch a cancer later because of these norms i have to follow and how i dealt with anger..

i read my classmate;s blog and i go over their picture flickers. and i felt so selfish and alone. i dont even hve a friend to pin point to if i get into deep deep trouble. i think i 'd just bury myself and hide in the woods and no one would really wonder where i;ve been. if they do, they'll just give up the minute they can't ifind me. .. ohh pathetic.

it is just sometimes really tiring to understand a lot of people. taking them into consideration and all you got you hhave to worryabout yourself. oh poor little me...

please get me out of this dark moment.

inequality

a busy work day for me. yet i am thankful for it. coz i have work to do and have the resources to buy what i want and still be in a comfortable life.

as we were discussing with my family a while ago.. how poverty in the philippines has been a long term social problem. well i concluded that lack of priority and lack of discipline has led the social problem in a very serious state.

being in a deep indebtedness can get you in to a bigger problem that you cannot actually go figure out how to solve it.

There are social classes in the philly. there are the :
elites - these can roam around the world without any worries of running out of money.

above average - these people have the luxurious life , but still have a budgeted wealth.

middle income earner- gets through the day, more than the basics of life, but very seldom on luxurious items.

lower average - just enough for 3 meals, a decent home . but not a luxurious living.

poor - no food to eat, no money for schooling.

it is just so sad how inequality in the society really exists. i want to create change and i am looking at the examples of much developed countries how they manage to try and eradicte poverty.

Education is really important, yet hard work, discipline and honesty is needed to succeed .

actual day

less than ordinary. spend it as a bit bad trip and guilty.
when asked how my day went. its indifferent. i don't know. must be bcoz i had some arguement and some disagreement from an important person in life . that is why i felt bad. buy maybe pride did a great deal why i am feeling this low.

surprisingly.. those from off shores and less in touch with are those who remembered. how nice that they remember. but the close ones are busy i guess..

the books i like from summit publishing are : tough love and no boyfriend since birth.

the writings are very modern and in a very different format. i like its new idea.

The "time travelers' wife " is very interesting.
no words right now. hanging on my mind.

wanna do in SG

i want to go join Zouk Out.

I wanted to have a taste of the laksa, and Kaya toast and poached eggs,
i want to try the reverse bungee.
i want to watch a performance in esplanade
i want to spend a day around the marina area and fullerton
i want to have a party along clark quay.
and the list goes on...

day of thanks

I am thankful for the wonderful lessons and blessings i have learned big and small in my entire years.as this are few moments to my quarter milestone.

i am thankful that i want to learn a lot, i like to live ( sometimes not)

i am thankful that i had encountered such honest persons at work. where i loathe people who are dishonest and those taking advantage of others.i want a fair life.

i am really thankful for a chance to discover a bigger purpose in life.
though i am in the process of realizing what it is. I am on my way to figure it out.

sometimes i find people bizarre and really hard to understand. but these are the elements that makes lifeand milestones very memorable and worth treasuring. they form relationships. this hurt and gives love the highest and the lowest.

thankful for the thing called Love.. thankful for its existence. it really makes the world go round.now its time for me to seek chances to find it and experience its miracles in life.

My Day

started a good laugh with bridget jones.

i was a bit rebellious this day. trying to figure out what i want and see if i getpast this dwindling anguish i have in me.so i did not have breakfast. i had a brunch. was out of the house by 1145.went to RP to get a breather.

so here's my day's summary.had a quiet time at national bookstore.. wow it really amazes me how a New age fan i am.i bought a fiction " time traveller's wife" , spent an hour or so in the new age section,foreign language and travel guide section. it is really fascinating.
Here's my bonus. i went to powerbook and saw the exact book i bought that is P100 higher.so i got a bargain. Another book that caught my attention was the one from summitpublishing. The Mia girl resembles me. i forgot the title but i like it . thoughexpensive at 150 . i just scanned through the book and got the gist of it. hehe coolthen saw some bob sanchez' inspirational books. i scanned through on some importantthings i need guidance and advice on.. well well.. very bob sanchez.. open ended.

then i went to numerous jeans shops. i think i tried 8 to 10 pairs on but nothingreally i m not kidding no pair fits the way i liked it. Knowing me, i won't wear it,unless i really really liked it.
another find i got is the liberte jean jacket that is mid length. it is so cool andcosmo. price is good at 525. i was thinking of buying it. but i said i will get backto it after looking at the toy's section. And i got so dazed at the toy section that i hurriedlygot out of the dept store and find something to eat.

then i realized my feet are tired. so i took some rest and see a preview of the new book i have.it turned out it is exciting as i am expecting it to be.
My new discoveries. there's a new fitness first gym in RP, the Alpo pet expo being held at the mall, i searched through some good gadget finds. there's the microtek brand at 7990 or 8990.
then saw a lot of escorts with different nationalities hanging around the mall.I saw that figaro really is a hang out place for gay pickups.then i realized when i rode on the jeep. i did not return to buy the liberte jacket.maybe i did not like it so much after all, that i can let go of it. come to think of it. i wont bewearing it, coz of my nature of work and all the stuffs. That is how i make decisions on whether tobuy an item or not. Cheap yes, but occassions on wearing them is very rare. my 500 could go a long way.but it looks good with camisole lacy top then a denim tailored jacket.. hmmm.. looks like i wanted to goback and buy it again. next time maybe :)
on my way home, i start to see reality again.... a lot of people living in poverty. a lot of people stil have to work on sundays. well well..

next time maybe.. i can get my jacket, get a pants or jeans, a good buy for workout rubber shoes, a nice shoes , more great books. trying to save up for tuition.

realizations : i might be afraid to have celebrations , fearing that i may have expectations.i think i wont be eating dinuguan, spaghetti , cakes and ice cream for some time.they become tasteless when not enjoyed properly.

lessons learned: i like to see more of europe ( france, italy in particluar) & japan, beijingi like to learn the language - mandarin, japanese, spanish , german


song playing on my mind : Makita Kang muli by Sugarfree
- realy good music , love it really...

Makita Kang Muli
by: Sugarfree
Bawat sandali ng, aking buhay
Pagmamahal mo, ang aking taglay
San man mapadpad ng hanging
Hindi, magbabago aking pagtingin
Pangako natin, sa Maykapal
Na tayo lamang sa habang buhay
Maghintay

Chorus:
Ipaglalaban ko ang ating pagibig
Maghintay ka lamang akoy darating
Pagkat sa isang taong mahal mo
Ng buong pusoLahat ay gagawin
Makita kang muli, Makita kang muli,
Makita kang muli

Pusoy nagdurusa, nangungulila
Iniisip ka pag nagiisa
Inaalala mga sandali
Nang tayo ay magkapiling
Ikaw ang gabay sa akin tuwina
Ang aking ilaw sa gabing mapanglaw
Tanging ikaw
(repeat chorus)

great expectations

I stated from the start that i wont take this day as something big or festive. i just want plain gathering, thanksgiving then i won't be expecting anything big then. i will just be thank ful of the things and be overwhelmed when things do happen.

now that it has been blown out of proportion. an air of expectation was created now.. and i cant prevent from having expectations. now i am disappointed.

that is why i dont want to make any big deals of anythign. because i start to expect. and i get hurt and disappointed. it just makes me sad.

these moments..

i was thinking i need a space on my own. really really feel so bad. right now.

i wanted to pursue a study where i can discover my own person.. who i can really be. not who i can be for someone else. it is soooo tiring to be in this position.

i hate this feeling.

preview.. sucks

ihave an overview what my day would be. it feels so suffocating i cant breathe well right now. and my emotions is pent up all inside me. i wantedto cry , i wanted to get out of the house and shout and just release this pressure in me. but i can't . i m grounded to this hole. i am trying really erally hard to understand and acceptthis thing happening. but right now i cant do it.

i am wishing for a simple birthday. but instead it just got nothing. but an unblown cake on a candle. isnt it pathetic and really really frustrating.

last year i was really really happy but now.. i am bluer than blue.. it feels so bad.

stop forrest stop!

had a great time last night with the guys. seeing my old fling again hayyy just gave me a new reason to smile today.

he is still the same funny guy i fell head over heels with. but i think it would just be a friend thing after all. :)

seeing the video made by ketty just inspires me the magic of friendship and how one can treasure relationships. after a day's work. meeting up with them just gave me a new perspective of the life outside work and family. yet it is a good thing too. even i have to commute a long way to meet them. They are worth making me smile.

===

i was just wondering how much God gives hope to people when sometimes going some troubled times. Like when you lack something.. he just compensates it with another essential part that still gives you hope and the will to go on. Making us be optimistic and believe that change and new things to come will teach us something and will get us through the day .


am jsut thankful for it.

korean wave

i am currently watchingFull house - rain, song hye gyo it is interesting and funny. story is exciting and SHG looks really cute and pretty.Rain is very expressive. He is a good actor. Incredible actor for a singer. keep it up.
all time Favorites:beautiful dayslove story in harvardlittle bridesassy girl
Korean cuties: Kim Rae Won, Lee Byung Hun

my must Do's

while coursing through a less populated traffic along the metro.
I get to ponder on some things i want to do really!:i've been wanting it for so long, until now i am so excited to do it.

things list:
1. learn sewing
2. learn taekwondo
3. french or spanish class
4. see places - prague, budapest, rome, france, amsterdam, UK, malaysia, SG again, dakak
5. go on a romantic getaway without any care with the real world for a few days- canyon woods, oakwood

these are the things i cannot forego as a single and young person. coz i wont be able to do these once i got a family or when my knees starts to get weak.

a new source of inspiration

as we were talking last friday about work stories. My sisters complains on how horrible my uncle treats the workers pay wise.not even as a part of the family business makes any difference. the more she thinks about it, the more frustrating the job is for her.
The set up is done this way: You are a wage earner, you receive this low pay. I am a boss i get the perks, i get to reimburse funds, i will live the way a boss should live.
Like its not fair. Good people just doesn;t come right along our way. More so for honest people and good hearted ones.it makes me think how unequal social classes are. How unequal they are treated and misunderstood. but then again. there is this abusive issue as defense of the oppressors.
I hope people won't be that selfish. I'm not saying to be excessive but just right and give what is due for a decent livingfor the person. do not hire excess, make the few people efficient and satisfied with work. To make a healthy environmentand give boost to the person to work harder and stay honest.
With this situation illustrated before me, makes me feel how lucky i am to be in an understanding, cozy, honest, and giving job. They try to understand during the times i fail and just screw things up. Giving me chance to recover and give it a tryand not to be afraid of doing things. just be careful to avoid regretful decisions.
I am now inspired to see my work as something precious that can't be taken for granted. A new mission to envision on howwork inequality can be prevented. From what is happening around you and hopefully it will be an inspiration for others too.

thinking of it gets me frustrated at the same time inspires me to work and be a good person. while others are not.

song for my mind :
Jack Johnson - Good People Lyrics You win
Its your show, now
So whats it gunna be
Cause people
Will tune in
How many train wrecks do we need to see?
Before we lose touch of
We thought this was low
It's bad gettin worse so
[Chorus:]
Whered all the good people go
Ive been changin channels
I dont see them on the tv shows
Whered all the good people go
We got heaps and heaps of what we sow
They got this and that and
With a rattle a tat
Testing one two,
Now whatcha gunna do?
Bad news, misused,
Got too much to lose
Gimme some truth
Now whos side are we on?
Whatever you say
Turn on the boob tube
Im in the mood to obey
So lead me astray by the way, now
Where'd all the good people go?
I've been changin channels
I dont see them on the tv shows
Whered all the good people go
We got heaps and heaps of what we sow
Sitting round feeling far away
So far away but I can feel the debris
Can you feel it?
Yo interrupt me from a friendly conversation
To tell me how great its all gunna be
You might notice some hesitation
Cause whats important to you is not important to me
Way down by the edge of your reasons
Its beginning to show
And all I wanna know is..
Whered all the good people go
Ive been changin channels
I dont see them on the tv shows
Whered all the good people go
We got heaps and heaps of what we sow
They got this and that
With a rattle a tat
Testing one, two
Now what you gonna do?
Bad news, misused, gimme some truth
You got too much to lose
Whose side are we on?
Whatever you say
Run the resolut but in the mood to obey
Station to station desensitizing the nation

am i a single mom?

this is a dream i had this morning or a continuation of 2 parts.I am not really sure how the story transpired into a story that I don't know where it originated.What i remembered is that I have a kid with me. A little girl that is my kid.I don't know how i had the kid, but the thing is I did not have a time for the child.I happen to learn that i don't have much time for another person right now. I realized being a parentis no joke. The kid won't do things on itself. More so for an infant, it needs you to really take care of it.

What i did in the dream is that i went on to my daily morning routine and then realizing after a fewhours that I have a kid. I let the 1 or 2 year old sleep alone straight for 8 hours and no body looking after her. I felt guilty for not even taking care of the child. surprisingly,my little girl is really understanding. She woke up smiling and not bratty.She said it something in this way." it's okay. also youforgot to get me this assignment. i wasn't able to submit it to the teacher. but it's okay. i will send it in tomorrow." giving me enough time and not even complaining.I was just so touched by this kid's gesture and made me think im not good enough to be a parent.while all along i was thinking that i can be a parent already. Yet one has to make more time, effort,care and sacrifices to be one.

Then i came to ask who is the father of my kid. I don't have any idea on who the father is. I don't recalldating or having any intercourse with anybody. How is that possible that i have a kid on my own.Yet everybody knew who the father is. he is this guy from this place , who works for his father's shoe companyi had this idea of hush puppies. Yet i was still thinking.. i dont recall any.They say that the guy is dead. HOw sad, i;m a single mom, no idea who the father is, and the father of my child is dead.i did not even get the chance to meet this guy who gave me a sweet little girl.

As everyone knows this is the halloween season, just in time for the season. In my dream it says we were going to the cemetery. And i wanted to see who the guy is. Every one i asked knew who this guy is except for me. and its like i was obliged to pay a visit. After all i have his child.When i saw the picture on the tomb. i really don't know the guy. i said no idea. but i paid my respect to the person.but thinking really really hard, i don't know the guy. no idea really! how could this happen. he looks okay.

so i concluded maybe i had an immaculate conception, or i adopted this guy's kid, or the i dated the a widowed guy and now he is dead, he left the child to my care.

weird isn't it. i wondered what this dream means. meaning a new placE? a new journey i need to face ?

amazing tower

10/23/2005the tower.
the scenic tower view of binondo, roxas and the totality of manila just got me awakenedto have this sense of being happy. The view is just so great and reminds me of SG.
I never thought that the aerial view of Manila could be so spectacular. from the 36th floorit is just mesmerizing. I would love to share this view with a very special person.
This instance Just got inspired to go on and see how beautiful relationships are.this is how people get to live on a daily life and still find a mystery how great life is.
It is such a waste why not so many people can see the beauty of Manila. You see the river,the streets, the ports, the totality of the city. Mind you it is just the day time.
I just can't imagine how amazing it would be with the city street lights on and the busy people on the streets merry making. wouldn't it be just wonderful?
i hope i can see more sights like this that uplifts one's mood and spirit and see everything aroundthem is beautiful and start to appreciate good things.
of course just to get us through the week and the coming months and years. we need something likethis to inspire us. It is just so great. i cant describe how this view just helped meget up to some good feeling.

the AMAZING tower scene

the tower.
the scenic tower view of binondo, roxas and the totality of manila just got me awakenedto have this sense of being happy. The view is just so great and reminds me of SG.
I never thought that the aerial view of Manila could be so spectacular. from the 36th floorit is just mesmerizing. I would love to share this view with a very special person.
This instance Just got inspired to go on and see how beautiful relationships are.this is how people get to live on a daily life and still find a mystery how great life is.
It is such a waste why not so many people can see the beauty of Manila. You see the river,the streets, the ports, the totality of the city. Mind you it is just the day time.
I just can't imagine how amazing it would be with the city street lights on and the busy people on the streets merry making. wouldn't it be just wonderful?
i hope i can see more sights like this that uplifts one's mood and spirit and see everything aroundthem is beautiful and start to appreciate good things.
of course just to get us through the week and the coming months and years. we need something likethis to inspire us. It is just so great. i cant describe how this view just helped meget up to some good feeling.

with faith , relationships, families, being real.. nothing just beats it.. it just feels great.

the day is young

haven't been out with friends for so long. i actually forgot how to go and have fun with my age group. usually its with family and its all dine and window shop and we're so tired the next moment, we just want to go home and watch tv.

this day is a new one for me, new crowd, new place. feel so strange but its cool

reads 4 blogs in a day. seeing how much change has been going around on other's lives. i just can't tell which ones i like most.

im still a bit unstable right now. no words on my mind. will log off just now and see if i can blog tom :)

wink wink

its a sunday. i woke up at 730 am with the client call for a monday shipment. well its ok.

i slept again. woke up, slept again. till 1130 am for my breakfast.
after that i started to clean up the backyard mess created from a number of years, let go by the so called housekeeper who cannot keep the house clean and still has the nerve to snout at me.
i don't care i need the place to b clean . so we went to work and clean up the place. it has been a starting habitat for the rats, mosquitoes.. not good for the house.

then i went up to see some left over clean ups to do at our room.
my next target was the bathroom tiles when i had the chance to scrutinize them.. it has formed mildeews... ugghhh.. never ending cleaning. but its good to know that you get to clean one place at a time. I guess if i ever ran out of career. i will be a chamber maid wahaahahah

we had shabu shabu to night it is so filling and flavorful yum. :)

looking forward to a good week tom :)

tick tick ticking away.

oh.. been so un friendly to my super slow pc. when i get home, i usually laze around and watch tv all night long. flipping from news channel to documentaries, to asian channels. these programs never fails to interest me. next thing i know its already 10 pm. or 1030 then im have to get ready for bed. but it feels like i haven't done anything . so now i check on my mail. and at these quiet times i get to remember the errands, messages and stuffs that i have done wrong and forgotten during the day. it all pours in. and it keeps me very restless knowing that i have one thing left to be done.

my mind must be very very clouded.

I've been reading for the past week. read bob ong's book. it is hilarious. i can relate to most of the parts. re read bob sanchez; book on simplify . nice to review and follow the roots and path of simplicity to live peacefully.

at work.. when it rains it pours literally. if its dry then it is el nino phenomena. ahh. both situations i cant get it right. but i am looknig forward to get a good system to work for me. working on it. yes for 5 years of working. i m still saying that.

thoughts of migration is on mind., studying in another country is also on my mind.

this very moment.. the air just stinks. smells like dog s*** literally. im not cursing. it is what i smelled. and its raining really hard tonite.. ewwww. the air just stinks.

options: ayf, jitse, will pursue both..just need to know how and which path to pursue.

tantrums

yesterday i was so furious with shredding a ton of unwanted receipts, letters, recipes, food to go flyers.. etc etc. its so tiring. starting it at 8 pm or earlier and ending at 10 or so. isn;t that frustrating. My hand/ arms is already aching, my shredder handle is broken. so i had to resort to my own tool . My hand. i used scissors, in between i changed to ripping the paper. and i havent done anything. I havent had a shower, i haven't watched any tv. i havent done anything i need to do for myself. I did not even had the time to put lotion and medicine to my endless foot problems. how do i get to sleep with that feeling. worse.. when i was about to pour my rants and emotions in writng.. BLOG is down for database maintenance. how bad can it be. i spill it out to my friend who is jsut starting his monday at work. who felt life just sucks. and not it is more worse than ever. what a good way to start one's week. I am just so tired of being a person. y is it that hard to be one. No one to share my stories, no one to hug when all i wanna do is cry and just be taken care of in times of desperation and frustration in life. somethign like this heheh.

then when i woke up today. my foot aches.. my thigh has a bruise, my head is heavy because i slept late. i am making tantrum that i feared i'd be a big time screw up at work. I dont want to eat , drink nor do anything. i m just sleepy and i am too ashamed to sleep at work. though i will be understood. i dont want to abuse some advantages. I still go to work without taking advantage of some perks. i just felt like a slacker today. well it is another day . i have survived it in one piece. Thankfully. I know i am really really a lazy brat today, been so ungrateful. but i guess it is one of those days. I want to survive and fly.

promising

had a great start today. been quite busy but okay today. did not have so any major screw ups at work ..whew thankfuly. maybe its because the burden of a deadline is already off my back.

watches PBB openly hahah.. people are beginning to get curious about it.

Things are getting more and more confusing, complicated, directionless and just blank.

it's rainy evening. good thing i got home before the rain gets worse.

There has been this guy that i was eyeing for. I get to see 2 of them. 1 is at the bank, other one is on the elevator. hay.. just not one of them says HI! i;d be glad to smile back at them.. but they're to shy or aloof to do that friendly gesture.

just tonight.. i was at mcdonald's i am just amazed how they put up these atm machines on fast food restos.. bright idea. for penniless hungry transient who just wants to have his empty stomach filled. I am quite phobic on people, night time quite afraid of some mob things happening on the area.

I read on the news today on studying on SG, STC's travel journal to europe. The france studying program from ateneo with Chris Tiu in it. He's such a cool, cute and adorable guy.
I am starting to like Bi( Rain) he can just be funny and cute. but i still love KRW. he's very charming.

well hope to get a swim on the weekend, get to see cine europa and clean room. and jsut have some rest.

itchy itchy. scratchy.

psoriasis, fungus, dandruff, dry skin, scaly skin, chicken skin. its all over me.. and i am so damned with this itch.

my computer is uber, super, dooper slow and screwing up.
my mind and my heart is really really not in the mood.

i want to go hibernate and recuperate my dying self. I felt like a dead person, useless and annoying.

I am really really tempted to reformat this hard drive but am too chicken to make the move.
I am so afraid of risk. even in friendship, job, risk taking. I am a loser.

such a loser today. i cant concentrate, food doesnt taste good. I feel so heavy, sleepy and just down. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how i wish my day will be okay again tomorrow.

manic monday

got a slow sunday. still having some head aches. can't go to swim or go malling yesterday. i am so weak. I had a breakfast with a crying Sander on my side. such a bratty. but one has to stand one's ground. then slept. watched lots of movies, dvd's until my eyes gave up.
had a sip of mocchachino at coffee beanery. then had a bibingka.. yum.. but too bad.. got infested with ants before we ate it. so put it in the oven to get rid of those ants. i sometimes wonder where they hide. i want to put pepper all over the floor to prvent them from infesting our foods. They really annoy me. most annoying pest.. Ant. they're so fast.

wasnt really rested last night because i was coughing all night. guess i had an allergy of sort. i dont know but i sure barked like a dog . and slept so shallow. i think i am still up at 3am and my head hurts because i still havent got any sleep for the night.

had a usual monday. come 6pm.. im already exhausted. i wanted to retire to bed but a lot of things and errands needt o be done or else it will pile up and i will get a nasty week again. its good to do things slowly. it's my discipline. i guess.
planning to do the cinema europa 8 on sunday.. im so excited i hope i get free passes. milions.. but i wish i can watch " the spanish apartment"

JB got evicted.. many people's vote. Sam is a cutie.

I like the name Collin too.. what else tops the list of names on my mind. Aidan, Lorenzo, Carlo, Pablo.

hope to finish a lot of things today :)

exhaustion..

one can just put up to a certain point of exhaustion.. if u reach that point.. you just can't do anything. coz you are dead tired. even if there are important things to do.. you just do not do them.

my boring activities: i watched krw's film today. got my fave cd's this week.. dave matthews, craig david, mariah carey- emancipation of mimi , 50 first dates ost, and of course the cutie's simple plan.

got a downer for my MT plan.. i thought the industry is a boom.. but in fact it is already going down.. just never got the chance to explore what the maket possiblity is. now i am back to zero. so maybe that was the sign that i should plan next to my JP trip.

reading is not helping. been eating a lot. been sleeping a few.. been wandering and idle for so long.. don't know what i am thinking about. haven't been able to go out, to lazy to socialize, no friends to call..am i just pathetic?

i ought to go out this sunday.. but my exhaustion does not allow me to do anything or go anywhere.. just needed rest. zzzzzzzz

hugga mom

i was singing this nice Vaseline jingle all week.. its just so light bouncy and joyful singing it..


" hugga mom attack, every every day... everyday.. sings// hugga mom attack day.. "

hehhe .. thanks to this jumpy note that keeps me happy all weekend.

had great meal last sunday at silla... the kimchi jjige is just GREAT! I love it.. at first i find it spicy.. but a one point i can;t even say its spicy. the flavor is just so rich and delicious. looking forward to have more sumptous meals.

been craving for so many foods last week. aristocrat filipino foods, kenny rogers, jollibee spaghetti, shanghai rolls, wana try the new macaroni soup, wana go have a laksa at masas.. im a pasta lover.. seeing the flyer of burgoo for a clam linguini.. oh its mouth watering.
wat else i want nilasing na hipon.. i want pizza .. a real good one. meat ball congree, masuki chicken noodle.

have i been deprived of good foods? no.. just missed those resto foods. I still love home cooked meals. though sometimes you miss eating out.

i just felt i havent been exercising for the past year. and its not healthy. i stopped swimming for a year already due to so many reasons that i prioritized sleeping than doing sports, or eating out or hiking out or simply malling and socializing. I tend to forego and supress my social skills.

i am a believer now that things gotta have balance. or else you will freak out at one point and just burn out.

my sports that i want to pursue.. table tennis, swimming, taekwondo... cool! to keep my adrenalin running.
i m gonna make that a goal for this quarter. heheh

i realized its already going towards the 4th quarter of the year.. time just flies really fast. good because it means im just so blessed with a good year .

on enthusiastic living

Growing young

LIVING ALIVE By Dero PederoThe Philippine STAR 08/07/2005

Life begins at 40? Not exclusively. Life can begin at 30, 50, 60, or whatever age you want it to. It is never too late to be what you wish you had become. But the world, being the maddening chaos that it is, isn’t conducive to growing young. Our daily concerns, problems, and obligations bring more white hair and wrinkles than we care to have. Life is really not so much about growing old or growing young; it is more about growing more alive, enflamed with energetic zest and fervor to make it all fulfilling and worthwhile. In this age that puts a high premium on looking and feeling young, where the easy way out of aging is through invasive procedures and surgical body sculpting, is there an alternative way to growing young? Here are some ideas for enthusiastic living:

Enthusiastic Living

• Have a reason to live. Refuse the purposeless life and start living for something (a philosophy, value or belief that means so much to you) or someone (your family, a loved one, or your cat). Whether it is a job, a hobby or pastime, indulge in something that truly interests you. This reason or reasons will make waking up mornings full of joy and anticipation.

• Get involved. Connecting with people is what life is all about. Our personal, professional, and business relationships enhance the quality of our lives. Start by being more aware and involved with your family and loved ones. Make an effort to meet people with the same interests as you. Stand for something and fight for it. Most of all, connect with your spirit and discover its secret needs and mission.

• Keep loving and giving. Your heart sings when you give love and the more you give, the more you have. One big mistake we make is keeping things for ourselves. Everything we have, even the breath of life, is borrowed and will have to be returned someday. We must give away love to be able to keep beautiful feelings and memories. Love yourself more each day, too, and always strive to look good.

• Keep opening doors. One characteristic of people who never age is that they are always looking forward to the next big thing in their lives. They keep moving forward, opening exciting doors as they travel on. It’s good to keep in mind that when a door closes on you, a million more are waiting to be flung open. But you must do the unlatching and opening. You should also close unnecessary chapters in your life that deter you from moving on.

• Keep working and being useful. No matter how old you are, you should say never to retiring. Should you decide to retire from your job or profession, venture into other areas of life and expertise that will make you grow intellectually and spiritually. Stay in touch with the times and endeavor to be useful to others. Nothing is quite as frustrating as living a life that does not contribute to the good and progress of the world.

• Keep striving to be the best that you can be. Keep on learning; go back to school if you must. You can learn to hear by taking music appreciation courses, learn to see by taking humanities and art classes. You can even learn to sing, dance, write, compose music, fix a computer, etc. Life is a non-stop learning university. By availing yourself of the infinite courses available, you can truly enhance your mind and your life, and be the best that you can be.

• Be adventurous and open to change. Real life is a bore – you must venture out to rarely trodden paths and plunge into the exciting, extraordinary life. The ordinary, mediocre life is much too monotonous and predictable. Take some calculated risks to be able to reap huge rewards. Realize that life is about change; people who resist change resist life. Let your imagination run wild and direct you to your fantasies and dreams.

• Marvel at life and savor it. Take time to stop and look at the clouds and smell the lilies. Marvel at the universe’s mysteries and be thankful that you are a part of these glorious gifts. Look for life’s surprises and sift the gold from the dust. Avoid settling down to a dull, no-challenge, colorless life. Savor life and try to leave your own positive mark which people will remember long after you are gone.

== isn't it nice ?

big brod

i must admit that i watch pBB.. though i find it a bit jologs. they are interesting yet sometimes its shallow. maybe i dont agree to how they have their lifestyles. I never agreed on the local culture on having a lucrative
lifestyle and then worry about the problems and got stuck in them when they come.

also got shocked that people really do it. i have high regards to those people who wait and really really committed on staying abstinent. you have my respect.

one thing i learn today.. is that from ching allano.. quoted from dalai lama.. Be Open to Change, but never forego your values.. Entirely true.. something to inspire me. not to be afraid to change.. and still have the values in your action.

also things i consider golden to live about.... be nice to others, not because they're nice ..but because you are nice.

it is better to love and get hurt, if you love stupidly its as good as not loving at all.

there is a imperfect right person for you. Right timing is everything..


here is the list.

CONSUMERLINE By Ching M. AlanoThe Philippine STAR 09/13/2005

Lessons From The Dalai Lama

16 lessons to live by:
1) Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2) When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3) Follow the three Rs – Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.
4) Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5) Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6) Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7) When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8) Spend some time alone every day.
9) Open arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10) Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11) Live a good honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12) A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13) In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14) Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15) Be gentle with the earth.
16) Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before. (woohooo!!!!) an excuse.

smirk and smile.. and oh no!

its the time of the day that can make you happy yet sad.

i got a work screw up .. back logged by my carelessness, and impatience last week.
It's gonna be a major blow on my ego and just got my confidence down . was just starting topick up my pace. But see.. I sleep late, my mind floats around at work, I can't get a task done properly. I am like a useless robot in the office. annoying robot, not at leastan independent cool and amazing robot. But the one that you want to discard. anyway itsjust causing you nuisances. jsut a secret.. i dozed off at work today.. i really am a lazy employee... dozing off in front of the screen. but i am really just tired from the day before.It's 4pm and my eyes just can't keep it up to work. plus my mind is so tired to think of wayson how to make the task.. isnt it pathetic.

flipped through channels from 730pm to 11pm. stayed with House MD.. its a new show.just too lazy and tired and down to open my email and check if another issue has to be resolved, or another deadline to meet. I cant hardly perform on my job. how do i address other problems and take care of them. I just chill tonight.. getting my mind offthe majore mess up i did at work. I am trying to concentrate but maybe something is onmy mind. just dont know what it is.

my smile for the day is just now.. when i saw jep's reply to my greeting. at least he acknowledgesmy greeting. though last time i did not get a reply. I am not showing anything to revealmy feelings am i?
my teaching passion is just dwindling down the drain. I feel like I am just an ineffectiveeducator. It just stops at one point and my student never launches for indepence. If compared to a star or starlet, they just did not boost off. I tried reading articlesif teaching is or is not for me.. just did not answer any of the questions. thesethings still bothers me why am i not good at anything right now. I just suck. feel like a total loser, staying afloat and trying to get better and survive.

ladida....

still coughing which sounded like barking dog. though i wish my cough will get better in a day or two. I wanted to go to shang on sunday to see the jap festival and the macanese treats they offer. !!!

work.. is quite okay today. proven that i am not moved by a tear. the truth of bad mouthing is very present in my mind. so no matter how pitiful the scene is.. i just don't get carried away.

i am a forgiving person. but the next time i was wronged again.. then there is not returning.
seems like things are getting blurry and even hazy at this point.

maybe settling for next year would be best. IT will be yet another year. my plans are kept on being pushed to a year to another. is it because it just chickens me out?

i've been really curious in taking MT as a business. i think it has potential.
i've been wanting to know so much on science, other cultures, everyday lives and a whole lot more. luckily i am now in the internet age. where infos are readily available.

:) proud to be geek

feeling senseless

today. i just feel so senseless and useless. not doing a good job at all. not being logical with what i did to sander. i feel a bit guilty yet i have to set foot on my grounds.
wasnt exactly my best day. feeling so unfriend still. no one is being able to vent off to me.. coz maybe i m not that comfy to tell such stories to after all.

things are changing. i m stuck. and irritated. so bad. just arhahhh.. maybe the rains made me feel this way.
been sick for a week. things , politically and holistically is not so good. its really unstable.

topsy turvy

it has been a frustrating night i had with the kid. It was like I am all there to help you study. I see that you have difficulty, I don't scold for getting low grades.I am here to help you adjust and to be able to make it with the subject.I search for resources to help you but nothing is appreciated.It was like I am there forcing, and torturing a kid to understand. I just want the kidto appreciate the joy of learning, patience and being able just to adapt and understanda lesson without pressure.Yet I was being shouted at, forced to quit because it is not the first time that I felt insulted with the yelling and it made me look small.
Now, I am faced with the question again. Since this is a difficulty I can face on theway of teaching. Am i equipped to be and go with the path of teaching? Am I going to be a good educator or not. with just this instance of a bratty kid, I can't even handleit. The thing is I am not being respected and it just pisses me off.question is here again. Is it the sign that i am dreaming too far of something i am not good at or even can achieve? Should I or should I not?
it is like I am back to square one. the basic thing on the question on whether to pursue or not. i got no advantages or disadvantages to compare with . It just hurts me a lot.
It makes me feel now that I dont have anything I am reaching for. Not a social person.makes me feel i am a bad person with bad decision left with nothing. Just floating on the air. Waiting to be killed by a predator and swallowed wholly without noticing it. And next thing is im eaten.
As I sat at this sunday morning, pondering. Seems like I am not making any improvement at all.
It is like I cannot go on with the teaching thing. it just hurts me as a person, i won'tlet that. It leaves nothing to me.listening to music, hope it leaves me some clues on which path to choose...think think think.. look for the signs you are asking.

now is a time where everything is really mixed up and just so clueless.

reversal

I woke up in a entirely different view from what i have last night. its really unclear, blurry and irritated.
feel boxed out and i just felt this uneasiness. feeling like a loser. underachiever.. just down today.

just not brave enough but i have to make a move and do my steps to do what i want. it wont just land to my lap and i will just take it. just doesnt work that way.

am just running out of words to describe this unwary feeling .

Seasons of change

in a good mood right now. must be because of my love dose of korean fics yesterday.
friendster can go a good or bad twist. can get u jealous or ambitious or be ok with where you are.
season to go distant, and to go nearer. season of different views and places.reconciliation, civil treatment , no judgement or very judgemental.
read an article with rod nep on tough luck. yes i agree with hard work then luck comes next.if the first one doesn't exist , therefore it also follows for the second element. though it can come once in a whilebut it is really tough and not relative at all.
today i confirmed the questions hanging on my mind on the course to take on AYF. should i take year off againto take a better plan , or just go with it with the existing resources. But i know i like the first one more.plan B is not as dear to me. Yet Plan A is still so ideal and i got some loopholes still for some parts.think think think. but i think i still got time to brace up for some educational units from nov to marchto get in time for the august admission if indeed i get into the screening.
think think think.. deeply pondering. it's a rainy day today. causing me to gain some private time on my own pace to do the things i needed to do. write all these things playing on my mind. it is 3 years total. quite long. a big change. but i think i am making things to adjust on the change going on.
it is never easy when you are faced with roads , especially the difficult ones to decide on which is better.just keeping the faith hoping that the path taken is the right one. better learn a lot of significant things on the way.but as these worries are bugging me... my instinct says i can go a longer way on plan A. i can still get back to a new path if indeed i take the pre requisite units of plan A. time to get really serious on this one.

aug 15.2005Long Face DayI've

been wearing one since i woke up. I am really irritated by the fact that i did not get enough sleep.Goes to continue with the missing lunch box, the lots of things to let me bring to the office. the lots of personal errandscommanded to me. Neither do i have the say that I can , I have time or just here it is. do it.I am almost in exhaustion ( physically and mentally) must be a bit exaggeration but this is how I feel this time.must be feeling really low this day. Brought about by the un friend theory i got last weekend. I maybe afraid to admit it, but i am affected and bothered on how shallow i offer people of myself ( be it friendship or relationship) . I am not socially fit . in my 25 years of existence? i still haven't mastered the art of socialization? too bad. am i a hermit, asceticor what..been thinking of what words to fill my blog the whole day. been thinking of foods that will somehow uplift my mood. In totality, my day is a wreck. not that i screwed up at work. But I am not ready today. If im gonna be on a mood-o-meter.the reading would be loser. My body is brought down to laziness due to lack of sleep and head ache and lack of motivationto move for the day. It was like I am a dead man walking.. robotically taking orders on what to do. I cannot even performwell. My voice seems like a dead person saying hello on the line. People can tell. but I can;t even focus my eyes. Must be loneliness or exhaustion that covers it. Must be combination of 2. And makes me think that I am not good for anything, not good at anything. Useless in the society. Yes these are allnegativism i feel. but my mood just aint right for the day. I am just praying to give me strength to withstand andstay resilient on the events happening in my life. I dont have the courage nor the energy to resist back and say no to things i do not like to do.primary reason is that I dont want to say things that I would later regret on doing. cant take back words. i am really reallycareful. My defense mechanism is that I just dont say anything at all.my day was slowed by the fact that M reads 5 pages in an hour and a half. And it sometimes is infuriating on how one can be really stubborn. You jsut dont have enough patience on days like these and you feel frustration on situations that your students can be really hard to teach and not even absorbing your teaching. When all you do is give all the knowledge you have to let them understand the word and the lesson. You just want to scream and shake them and say this is it. I dont knowhow much further i can make it clear to you. Missed on the clock to see that C is not fetched on time.what i wanted to do today. go to the grocery, buy vitamins, vanities. go to bank , buy dollar, buy softwares, korean cd; ( this is ]an errand.) sometimes they can be really annoying . Like they all thought you dont do anything in the office do this. i dohave things to do, responsibilities to attend to. Please give me space.Seeing the situation that i dont have a social life, makes an advantage for you to give more and more errands. I am not lazy.But not now. i am really tired, please take into consideration on how i feel and what i need now. And it is REST and somespace to breath. to take a minute and give myself some time to see my self worth. I sometimes pity myself on being trappedand too coward to achieve goals. Dreams are really hard to achieve, that is why it is called dream not just a plan.time is flying and resources are being diminished. I feel an imbalance right now and i am on the left. meaning cynical mood.very low self confidence on things that i can do. I think i am in Chaos when im at work. Must be the new routine and it iscrazy.Then see that i am blogging at the notepad. This silly 2 dial up accounts are not working and i just need a shout out on my emotions. I cannot jsut bottle it up. it is really tight on the heart.just keep on praying for strength and light to keep me going. hope i figure the right time management and not get crazy all week.

full heart

aug 17. 2005

tonight my heart is just filled with good emotions.watchinglove story in harvard just gives a smile to my face. SeeingKRW is really heart filling. That sweet eyes, smile and the charismaof him just melts you. I wonder if there is someone like that in reality. Watching attic cat is just the same. he is really gorgeous.
the birthday of my grandpa today. quite touched by the gesture my mom did .while all his sons were not that mindful of their father's condition.I think leading by example is the most effective and key teaching method that will make the student follow.
in conclusion to this day.. cuties just makes my day and lightens up my mood.how amazing and just marvelous how it can make it alright.
k is still confused and irritated by the fact of working and working endlessly.she wants to be successful. i am praying she finds the sign to life'schoices and just have peace in her heart.
for me.. it just makes me even more difficult to leave the country.but some life choices are made up by signs and life times.

Un Friend

After being not included in a list of guest. I begin to wonder . I don't have friends. I am not worthy of a friend enough to be a part of one's special memories. they just don't remember me as the friend. Maybe an acquaintance, the person who is always smiling at you. Yes i smile. but i do not open up my life and my thoughts to any one.

Not even family, close friend. i always have something just thoughts to myself. If I share , it will just be part, but never the whole heart. Maybe it was because of a traumatic experience of being disappointed and humiliated with that issue. I do not know but I just find it hard to share my life, my thoughts , my emotions to just one person. And that leads to my fear of committing, and fear of the thought of a new person in my life. Because my definition of letting a the new person into my life, means i will share thoughts and pure intentions to be honest to that person . Treating as one person place in my life, accepted as the person. with the flaws and irritating habits plus the honesty, and all the good things along with the person.

Just checking... i have the tendency to let go of things at the brink of a decision time to commit and be brave .. especially with Friendship. I do the first few steps but I back out at the make or break situation. I do the breaking . so in high school - no body really thinks about me as the close buddy.. coz i have let them down, let go of them, or even havent considered their feelings. Things of the past that i cannot just undo. Hard to make an effort to re shape. Before, I used to think this bond is so hard to take away, coz we shared a lot of moments together.. while we were growing up. but things do get busy and change, people change and personalities and interests were formed. thus priority for my friendship is put on the back seat. College, even more closed to the people around me. yes they do know and have some updates on my life, but those are just bits and pieces. not really the full me.

So when it comes to weddings, time to form groupies. I m left alone. and lost and just called the not so good friend. Unfriend. I am a good acquaintance. I remember birthdays, i smile , once in a while i check on them on how they're doing. But i dont share enough of my person. Maybe what i give is what i get. I noticed there is a pattern that I am the unfriend. It is also my doings.

just makes me sad on that thought that i dont give enough .but that was it. it is me.

i can say NO single person knows me the best. Maybe some can be close to know me . but no one knows me completely.

its bit n pieces.

as i was reading the monbusho requirements. i think i have to take up educ units right now and pursue next year for the ayf program. huhuhu ... another year extension with a lot of uncertainty if i will get in or not. if i will push through with the plan , or I really like this vocation.

as i was complaining in my past sequences with this big question. one minute i love them, i almost want to make it the thing i do forever. then i see i reacted badly to it then i hate it. but i dunno.. really still am confused with this life decision.

hope i get by this big rock .