am i getting so into their lives?

I really can't believe it, my heart gets hurt by a kid. One difficult kid got my day bad. Make me want to quit my job, not to continue as I am very ashamed of the way i acted before the kids folks. My ego was hurt, my confidence got lower. I used to think its okay to be here now I think this is the reason why I dont want to be in that workplace. I am no longer assured of myself that I can handle other individuals nor kids as i plan to teach in the near future. Cause this particular difficult kid makes me doubt that I am eligible to be an educator.


Was i getting too much into their lives? I am not raised to be non responsive of the people and things going on around me. But sometimes i guess I am not really occupied with what I have to do. Instead I nose around on other people's business.

ARRGGGGGGGGghHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh............. I am sooooooooooo mad and pissed at this kid! How dare she treat me that way. I don't want to show up at work tomorrow. I am just so pissed at her.

funny but its true. I must be insane to be so pissed at a very little girl but she is a brat! I dont care how sweet she can be, but she hurts people. grrrrr...

blog reading is fun

I have been curious of blog.. so i just started my own last month. Actually i find it FUN reading blogs.. i must admit some are weird, for overall i find it fascinating. People rant , wrote how bored they are at work, how weird / sad their day was. Some retell their experiences how they saw their crush today at the canteen and just lit up their day. :) its inspiring.

Some are so proud of the news in the family , in their lives, they just want to share it. Their feelings, emotions were expressed in the blogs.

We write our blogs in different manners, different languages, different emotions. Its cool that we all connect through words and how we all as human have great, good and bad days. its just amazing that there are a lot of individuals out there. Everyone i wish you a good day!

the land of the unknown

The time is getting nearer. i still couldn't figure out what am I gonna decide. It's like I am having more doubts now it is nearer than I have before. Its a big plan actually to go there.. ( the land of unknown- at least to me) I see so many great plans yet I am not really sure what is out there so I still have some uncertainties there. I might find myself there and like it there. I won't like that fact that I would be leaving an entire past here.

I realized that it won't be the same if you go and live on your own. I used to go on a month vacation 3 years ago. I wasn't actually sad, but now come to realize it, it is indeed sad. No friends there, no job, no exact purpose or function, no specific role. No one to talk to, say nonsese thoughts to, no one to compete on which channel to watch, no one to watch a wacky show when a companion tune the tv to a silly show when you are just lazy enough to chose what channel to switch to. i guess that was different because I don't have my computer there either, no resources i think, just tv, food and a blank living area.

If you got enough resources to go out and have fun, the ways to go see places of your interest, a specific purpose to get busy at.. then it won't be boring and sad at all.. I know myself to be not really a talker, not really into other people's business. I seldom talk to people coz i have been burned by the wrong words and don't want to hurt people by words. Even a slight news can affect lives. I know its either way and it would be good and bad for both characters. But I chose to be the quiet individual and just be cheerful with out a word. Of course sometimes we cannot control the words to slip out.. anyway.. we tried our best to control it. words just slips out.

See what silly things comes in my mind: to be an educator, to go volunteer in geriatric houses, seems like im just in my 20's yet i have this thing that I want to skip this part and be part of the end or beginning stages of people's lives. Do i really derive happiness in seeing others happy. I prevent to focus on my happiness coz i know it is endless once you focused on your own and it would turn into greed and then the worse. I dont want it. Is it just normal?

Now i see how fascinating it is as i was running, how i would turn a normal day into a carefree day with all the activities i planned for the day. Not much worries, most anonimities, no fear, but of course with caution. But I want to escape to the limitations that have bounded me, just for a while to experience life outside the box. Im just afraid i might like it outside the box, i would end up hurting my past. I hope i get a conclusion to this situation. I know it should be a no problem situation coz it would just be a temporary thing, but i cant blame myself but i think that way... that long way.. like no turning back direction.

Well.. its a sunday, i watched tv, ran a bit, stretched a bit, then fountains of words in my mind that is why i blog in. have a nice and peaceful sunday. Get ready and be grateful to a new week coming.........

carpe diem!

HOLIDAY

I called a self declared holiday today. But I should be jumping with relief , yet I'm not. I feel the opposite. Guilt. thinking I should be working today. Is it just a product of my laziness. But now that i've been asked of numerous question what I have planned for the next few months, I came to a conclusion that it is very unclear. I see no clarity on my plan, purpose and goal.

I feel I am in chaos, not direction.. wherever the wind takes me.. i think i will just sway in that way. Or am i like a rock.. not willing to move unless by a really strong force of nature.

I am not sad, but I am going in circles. I don't know where i am going. afraid that i might end elsewhere that i dont want to be in..........

I hope this endless circling ends and get to a linear direction.. coz i am getting dizzy of it.

i wish for a greater goodness that will govern the heart, the mind and the soul. so i won't go astray.......................................................................................................................................................

Waters Waters Everywhere...

At first it was just droplets of waters....... then.. came thunders and strong winds.. then big drops of rain pouring really hard. And it seems like there is no end to this rain. It was just 5 am i think. Then I thought, it'll stop later and sun will dry up those rain. but it never did. waited till 7 am. No.. non stop. gotta rush see folks get to the airport.
i see water everywhere.. murky .. not clear. then we gotta get off to work still and brave through the flooded streets on the way to work. i got no choice but to pass through them. Its either traffic, flooded, stranded or the car engine won't start in one time or another. Its been stressful to find a way and guess which streets are flooded and not. The van is old ,it is very sensitive to water splashes on the engine. though it has height it has its weakness too.
I just watched a no understanding needed korean film. a comedy actually .. its funny , she is clumsy, boy meets girl, girl rejected by boy, girl saves boy, boy likes girl and the story goes on...
At work, i'm not productive. I am very anxious to get home early since the rain got tired and stopped for a while.. But I see waters still flooded on the streets. hard to find a dry street that one can pass through smoothly. But i made it home. at last.. but now i heard rain drops again.. winds and dark skies... I see the university streets its like an island with waters surrounding it.

gotta have Faith

It's nice to know that you can have faith on something you want to hold on. Yet its also hard to remain because of the reality happening. It is difficult but it gets us through.

Shit really happens in life.. but should I stop here and just whine???

It wont do me any good. I thought...... hmm.. think think think.. and still no good answer in my mind. It is never easy this way.

Faith is the only thing that gets me through and make me want to go further. Without it, I would have chosen the option : boot out or can i just back out of this thing called life?

It's some light you want to see at the end of everything that you still have to hang on and still go for the end. Hard really hard to do. But life is like this. Either you care or not.. just live with it. So better make it good, enjoy each moment and go with the flow.

so what ever nasty things happening in life, country, crucial trials., and all the worse coming our way... I should be resilient and stand through the trials in time.. that these soon will come to an end and will be trimphant. i'm sorry but I still don't have the answers yet.. but I will really persevere to figure what I need to do and be triumphant.

I wish the world great goodness, understanding and love.. may we be disciplined and conscentious to make the world a better place to live in.

p.s. Can i move to another planet? Are they naive there or more violent? please not that.. i would still hope and want to believe that there is a good in every human.

It's gonna be a bright!!! bright!!! day

Ohhhh.. i 've been so lazy, grouchy, name it i got it.... If i'm gonna be my boss.. I am surely put my name on the list of probation and to watch out for suspension.

I've been so lazy, bad tempered and just not in the mood to work. I just got pissed off, then i lost my temper and lost my motivation.

I don't want to get back in my low point. Where i get low for no reason at all. Is it fear? is it unriskiness?? i dunno.. i hope it jumps up right where it should be. so i would have a happy disposition and cheerful attitude. hate myself when i feel this way.

people tell me how i can help motivate myself to love what i do and see the good in everything. :)

unproductive blues

Is it the weather?? I dunno but i am really unproductive. I always think about good food, what time is it now. I am not bored at work, but neither am i charged up to work as i usually do. Am i bored again? I thought it got wiped out of my system. I have come to terms with myself a year ago that I will love what i have and grow with it. Such as job, situation i am in, and whatever it is in my way.

sometimes there are work to do but my head is aching, my hands doesnt want to move, my body seems so heavy to get up and do work. its bad sign for me.. i dont like what i am seeing. Is it the attitude? Is it how people get crazy when they talk to you and u feel pissed off and frustrateD? I hope not.. maybe its just a cause of lack of sleep. oh.. i wish i wish i wish.. its just that.

or did i just lost my zest to live it greatly because of the fears in me, the unsecure future there is, the worsening situation i see. I just couldn't figure how I can get the good out of it. It felt difficult at this time. I am not complaining, I am even grateful that I still am surviving. But its difficult to find the goodness of it in these bad times... it really bothers me..

I pray hard that i 'd be understanding, be good in my heart amidst the worse situations, wish for everyone's good and just live a day peacefully at a time.

I still have the question, i wasnt able to answer it now.. but will do eventually.. see me as i go through it trimphantly... again i wish every one a great day.

right imperfect one...

this is the catchy line i read from an email forwarded by a friend. it has been on my inbox for almost a year now but i remembered that line really well.

For me i think it is really a sensible thing to consider. I just wonder if there is really a thing that exist. sometimes i want to believe that it is possible. But today as i was walking and talking with my mum.. i came to a conclusion that no one is really worth considering as of this point. Lots of aspects to look at, a very uncertain future lies ahead of me. I am not looking down on other people but the other way around. i find it really difficult to understand another individual. Consider your parents or your siblings.. you lived with them for decades but still you just sigh when u have something you dont agree at. What more if you are gonna make a new individual a part of your life anew. isnt that difficult? please somebody explain to me..

back in the days where i was in school, i used to think i cannot think about relationships coz i am really oriented on excelling in learning new things. i really love to learn new things, new culture, and see good things in it. but then now i am out of school.. a new complication devours. I did not see the pure heart and sincerity I used to see in people. I have a lot of question and things on my mind when i see a person. And it disappoints me that people are not as good as i thought they are. :( sad isnt it. Can i just go back to the days where not so practical things should be considered and see the innate goodness of one. Then we can say we can get along with it or get used to it.

I guess i am still confused with the main idea of it. but im not closing the idea.. continuing to learn the way to it or maybe figuring how it works. Really hopeful.

wish everybody love and a great night. blowing my wishes in the wind...

home bound

I lived in a very conservative family setting. I used to get angry, not being able to enjoy what is out there. but then i learned to live with it. I used to envy what its like to go party on wee hours. I ;ve had my share of those times, i had fun but now i am sure that i am over it. I am home bound, thankful for what i already have.

I could really not ask for anything more. I have received abundance. i dare not to ask . If there are blessings to come or hardships. I would be brave enough to face them.

i do not know what the future holds, but i hope i am ready what is in store for tommorrow. Wish me well.. i hope everyone is great too.. to be brave enough to see how beautiful life after pain sorrow and hurt. But to see it in a good way.. there is love, joy and peace that we should aim for.

idealism vs. reality

I used to be idealistic, thinking everything is good, people are good. No such bad things happen in real life. It is just the creation of men's imagination.

But i got through on bad situation, realized bad things do happen in reality. Trust is so hard to gain. Friendship so difficult to have. But after being so afraid, i realized life is not worth living if these are not around. What do i have to live for if i am all afraid, friends merely don't exist, afraid to love and trust. So why else do i live, i would not want to go through life like a numb robot.

I have learned that in life there are good and bad things. We go through experiences to learn and know which is right and wrong. Know how to weigh things are worth keeping and which to prioritize. Everything should be in moderation. Love must be enough reason . Forgive yourself and others. Just have faith on something you wish for. Wish everyone good. Give your best in everything.

I believe in righteousness. Yes somethings are worth keeping but doing it wrongly would just erase the good intention underlying it. I believe that TIME do heal, help, solve things. Need not to force things but give the natural force make things happen.

I must admit i am still trying to be positive amidst all the violence, proofs of evil things around. I dont want to live in fear nor would want to go through life in fear. I want answer to liberate me from fears, doubts. I like to consider my life as a mission to prove that life can be lived in good, peaceful way.

May the ONE above provide guidance, support, unfailing faith to serve my mission. Though sometime we feel we are weak in faith, i would want to believe it is just part of a test and lesson to get us prepared with the ones ahead.