feeling senseless

today. i just feel so senseless and useless. not doing a good job at all. not being logical with what i did to sander. i feel a bit guilty yet i have to set foot on my grounds.
wasnt exactly my best day. feeling so unfriend still. no one is being able to vent off to me.. coz maybe i m not that comfy to tell such stories to after all.

things are changing. i m stuck. and irritated. so bad. just arhahhh.. maybe the rains made me feel this way.
been sick for a week. things , politically and holistically is not so good. its really unstable.

topsy turvy

it has been a frustrating night i had with the kid. It was like I am all there to help you study. I see that you have difficulty, I don't scold for getting low grades.I am here to help you adjust and to be able to make it with the subject.I search for resources to help you but nothing is appreciated.It was like I am there forcing, and torturing a kid to understand. I just want the kidto appreciate the joy of learning, patience and being able just to adapt and understanda lesson without pressure.Yet I was being shouted at, forced to quit because it is not the first time that I felt insulted with the yelling and it made me look small.
Now, I am faced with the question again. Since this is a difficulty I can face on theway of teaching. Am i equipped to be and go with the path of teaching? Am I going to be a good educator or not. with just this instance of a bratty kid, I can't even handleit. The thing is I am not being respected and it just pisses me off.question is here again. Is it the sign that i am dreaming too far of something i am not good at or even can achieve? Should I or should I not?
it is like I am back to square one. the basic thing on the question on whether to pursue or not. i got no advantages or disadvantages to compare with . It just hurts me a lot.
It makes me feel now that I dont have anything I am reaching for. Not a social person.makes me feel i am a bad person with bad decision left with nothing. Just floating on the air. Waiting to be killed by a predator and swallowed wholly without noticing it. And next thing is im eaten.
As I sat at this sunday morning, pondering. Seems like I am not making any improvement at all.
It is like I cannot go on with the teaching thing. it just hurts me as a person, i won'tlet that. It leaves nothing to me.listening to music, hope it leaves me some clues on which path to choose...think think think.. look for the signs you are asking.

now is a time where everything is really mixed up and just so clueless.

reversal

I woke up in a entirely different view from what i have last night. its really unclear, blurry and irritated.
feel boxed out and i just felt this uneasiness. feeling like a loser. underachiever.. just down today.

just not brave enough but i have to make a move and do my steps to do what i want. it wont just land to my lap and i will just take it. just doesnt work that way.

am just running out of words to describe this unwary feeling .

Seasons of change

in a good mood right now. must be because of my love dose of korean fics yesterday.
friendster can go a good or bad twist. can get u jealous or ambitious or be ok with where you are.
season to go distant, and to go nearer. season of different views and places.reconciliation, civil treatment , no judgement or very judgemental.
read an article with rod nep on tough luck. yes i agree with hard work then luck comes next.if the first one doesn't exist , therefore it also follows for the second element. though it can come once in a whilebut it is really tough and not relative at all.
today i confirmed the questions hanging on my mind on the course to take on AYF. should i take year off againto take a better plan , or just go with it with the existing resources. But i know i like the first one more.plan B is not as dear to me. Yet Plan A is still so ideal and i got some loopholes still for some parts.think think think. but i think i still got time to brace up for some educational units from nov to marchto get in time for the august admission if indeed i get into the screening.
think think think.. deeply pondering. it's a rainy day today. causing me to gain some private time on my own pace to do the things i needed to do. write all these things playing on my mind. it is 3 years total. quite long. a big change. but i think i am making things to adjust on the change going on.
it is never easy when you are faced with roads , especially the difficult ones to decide on which is better.just keeping the faith hoping that the path taken is the right one. better learn a lot of significant things on the way.but as these worries are bugging me... my instinct says i can go a longer way on plan A. i can still get back to a new path if indeed i take the pre requisite units of plan A. time to get really serious on this one.

aug 15.2005Long Face DayI've

been wearing one since i woke up. I am really irritated by the fact that i did not get enough sleep.Goes to continue with the missing lunch box, the lots of things to let me bring to the office. the lots of personal errandscommanded to me. Neither do i have the say that I can , I have time or just here it is. do it.I am almost in exhaustion ( physically and mentally) must be a bit exaggeration but this is how I feel this time.must be feeling really low this day. Brought about by the un friend theory i got last weekend. I maybe afraid to admit it, but i am affected and bothered on how shallow i offer people of myself ( be it friendship or relationship) . I am not socially fit . in my 25 years of existence? i still haven't mastered the art of socialization? too bad. am i a hermit, asceticor what..been thinking of what words to fill my blog the whole day. been thinking of foods that will somehow uplift my mood. In totality, my day is a wreck. not that i screwed up at work. But I am not ready today. If im gonna be on a mood-o-meter.the reading would be loser. My body is brought down to laziness due to lack of sleep and head ache and lack of motivationto move for the day. It was like I am a dead man walking.. robotically taking orders on what to do. I cannot even performwell. My voice seems like a dead person saying hello on the line. People can tell. but I can;t even focus my eyes. Must be loneliness or exhaustion that covers it. Must be combination of 2. And makes me think that I am not good for anything, not good at anything. Useless in the society. Yes these are allnegativism i feel. but my mood just aint right for the day. I am just praying to give me strength to withstand andstay resilient on the events happening in my life. I dont have the courage nor the energy to resist back and say no to things i do not like to do.primary reason is that I dont want to say things that I would later regret on doing. cant take back words. i am really reallycareful. My defense mechanism is that I just dont say anything at all.my day was slowed by the fact that M reads 5 pages in an hour and a half. And it sometimes is infuriating on how one can be really stubborn. You jsut dont have enough patience on days like these and you feel frustration on situations that your students can be really hard to teach and not even absorbing your teaching. When all you do is give all the knowledge you have to let them understand the word and the lesson. You just want to scream and shake them and say this is it. I dont knowhow much further i can make it clear to you. Missed on the clock to see that C is not fetched on time.what i wanted to do today. go to the grocery, buy vitamins, vanities. go to bank , buy dollar, buy softwares, korean cd; ( this is ]an errand.) sometimes they can be really annoying . Like they all thought you dont do anything in the office do this. i dohave things to do, responsibilities to attend to. Please give me space.Seeing the situation that i dont have a social life, makes an advantage for you to give more and more errands. I am not lazy.But not now. i am really tired, please take into consideration on how i feel and what i need now. And it is REST and somespace to breath. to take a minute and give myself some time to see my self worth. I sometimes pity myself on being trappedand too coward to achieve goals. Dreams are really hard to achieve, that is why it is called dream not just a plan.time is flying and resources are being diminished. I feel an imbalance right now and i am on the left. meaning cynical mood.very low self confidence on things that i can do. I think i am in Chaos when im at work. Must be the new routine and it iscrazy.Then see that i am blogging at the notepad. This silly 2 dial up accounts are not working and i just need a shout out on my emotions. I cannot jsut bottle it up. it is really tight on the heart.just keep on praying for strength and light to keep me going. hope i figure the right time management and not get crazy all week.

full heart

aug 17. 2005

tonight my heart is just filled with good emotions.watchinglove story in harvard just gives a smile to my face. SeeingKRW is really heart filling. That sweet eyes, smile and the charismaof him just melts you. I wonder if there is someone like that in reality. Watching attic cat is just the same. he is really gorgeous.
the birthday of my grandpa today. quite touched by the gesture my mom did .while all his sons were not that mindful of their father's condition.I think leading by example is the most effective and key teaching method that will make the student follow.
in conclusion to this day.. cuties just makes my day and lightens up my mood.how amazing and just marvelous how it can make it alright.
k is still confused and irritated by the fact of working and working endlessly.she wants to be successful. i am praying she finds the sign to life'schoices and just have peace in her heart.
for me.. it just makes me even more difficult to leave the country.but some life choices are made up by signs and life times.

Un Friend

After being not included in a list of guest. I begin to wonder . I don't have friends. I am not worthy of a friend enough to be a part of one's special memories. they just don't remember me as the friend. Maybe an acquaintance, the person who is always smiling at you. Yes i smile. but i do not open up my life and my thoughts to any one.

Not even family, close friend. i always have something just thoughts to myself. If I share , it will just be part, but never the whole heart. Maybe it was because of a traumatic experience of being disappointed and humiliated with that issue. I do not know but I just find it hard to share my life, my thoughts , my emotions to just one person. And that leads to my fear of committing, and fear of the thought of a new person in my life. Because my definition of letting a the new person into my life, means i will share thoughts and pure intentions to be honest to that person . Treating as one person place in my life, accepted as the person. with the flaws and irritating habits plus the honesty, and all the good things along with the person.

Just checking... i have the tendency to let go of things at the brink of a decision time to commit and be brave .. especially with Friendship. I do the first few steps but I back out at the make or break situation. I do the breaking . so in high school - no body really thinks about me as the close buddy.. coz i have let them down, let go of them, or even havent considered their feelings. Things of the past that i cannot just undo. Hard to make an effort to re shape. Before, I used to think this bond is so hard to take away, coz we shared a lot of moments together.. while we were growing up. but things do get busy and change, people change and personalities and interests were formed. thus priority for my friendship is put on the back seat. College, even more closed to the people around me. yes they do know and have some updates on my life, but those are just bits and pieces. not really the full me.

So when it comes to weddings, time to form groupies. I m left alone. and lost and just called the not so good friend. Unfriend. I am a good acquaintance. I remember birthdays, i smile , once in a while i check on them on how they're doing. But i dont share enough of my person. Maybe what i give is what i get. I noticed there is a pattern that I am the unfriend. It is also my doings.

just makes me sad on that thought that i dont give enough .but that was it. it is me.

i can say NO single person knows me the best. Maybe some can be close to know me . but no one knows me completely.

its bit n pieces.

as i was reading the monbusho requirements. i think i have to take up educ units right now and pursue next year for the ayf program. huhuhu ... another year extension with a lot of uncertainty if i will get in or not. if i will push through with the plan , or I really like this vocation.

as i was complaining in my past sequences with this big question. one minute i love them, i almost want to make it the thing i do forever. then i see i reacted badly to it then i hate it. but i dunno.. really still am confused with this life decision.

hope i get by this big rock .

post HK

got this bad cough that goes with the bad weather. but fortunately its going well each day. Dosed it off with all meds that can cure cough. hehe.
maybe its an aftermath of the fatigues, and lack of sleep i incurred during the last few weeks of the trip and nights of brain draining sander.
Finished the pic editing.. whewe.. good thing things are starting to unclutter .

now i am starting to focus on the AYF essay and the things i need to think about.
- am i required to take up teaching subjects before making the masters degree
- will i be able to justify the essay part?

well well .. as of now.. all signs are pointing to one direction , where i want it. Or am i just looking at the signs that i want. heehheheh a biased decision. but i was thinking this time.. am i to give myself some space and some credit on what i want to do?

cant think of any thoughts right now. all of a sudden i want to eat out a lot. LIke I miss jollibee spag, i want roti, i want kimchi jjige ( again), I want burger steak, i want tasty dumpling and pork chop noodle and a cold soya milk as a refreshment.. ahhhh.. makes me hungry. but one at a time. I cant eat all of them at once.

harbs is getting married on the 11th .. congrats. wishing her all the best, she is a good person - want her to be happy.

me.. still am afraid to commit, wanting to try but afraid. mustering enough guts to Make it there.