The time is getting nearer. i still couldn't figure out what am I gonna decide. It's like I am having more doubts now it is nearer than I have before. Its a big plan actually to go there.. ( the land of unknown- at least to me) I see so many great plans yet I am not really sure what is out there so I still have some uncertainties there. I might find myself there and like it there. I won't like that fact that I would be leaving an entire past here.
I realized that it won't be the same if you go and live on your own. I used to go on a month vacation 3 years ago. I wasn't actually sad, but now come to realize it, it is indeed sad. No friends there, no job, no exact purpose or function, no specific role. No one to talk to, say nonsese thoughts to, no one to compete on which channel to watch, no one to watch a wacky show when a companion tune the tv to a silly show when you are just lazy enough to chose what channel to switch to. i guess that was different because I don't have my computer there either, no resources i think, just tv, food and a blank living area.
If you got enough resources to go out and have fun, the ways to go see places of your interest, a specific purpose to get busy at.. then it won't be boring and sad at all.. I know myself to be not really a talker, not really into other people's business. I seldom talk to people coz i have been burned by the wrong words and don't want to hurt people by words. Even a slight news can affect lives. I know its either way and it would be good and bad for both characters. But I chose to be the quiet individual and just be cheerful with out a word. Of course sometimes we cannot control the words to slip out.. anyway.. we tried our best to control it. words just slips out.
See what silly things comes in my mind: to be an educator, to go volunteer in geriatric houses, seems like im just in my 20's yet i have this thing that I want to skip this part and be part of the end or beginning stages of people's lives. Do i really derive happiness in seeing others happy. I prevent to focus on my happiness coz i know it is endless once you focused on your own and it would turn into greed and then the worse. I dont want it. Is it just normal?
Now i see how fascinating it is as i was running, how i would turn a normal day into a carefree day with all the activities i planned for the day. Not much worries, most anonimities, no fear, but of course with caution. But I want to escape to the limitations that have bounded me, just for a while to experience life outside the box. Im just afraid i might like it outside the box, i would end up hurting my past. I hope i get a conclusion to this situation. I know it should be a no problem situation coz it would just be a temporary thing, but i cant blame myself but i think that way... that long way.. like no turning back direction.
Well.. its a sunday, i watched tv, ran a bit, stretched a bit, then fountains of words in my mind that is why i blog in. have a nice and peaceful sunday. Get ready and be grateful to a new week coming.........
carpe diem!
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