still wandering

It has been a week already .. and my trip to HK has been like a dream? not really great but i cant believe i really flied. the trip was quite tiring, inspiring, educational, and liberating.

I must admit there are more cuties in HK than in SG. but they're so fast and irritated. nice to walk on these streets without worrying about being mugged or robbed or looked at indecently. it feels safe. but of course no streets is an exception to bad elements. There are still pick pockets, and some unwanted societal elements. just gotta be careful. I wasnt on my best self when i got there. But the in town check in service, and the airport express is quite an amazing scenery for me. Of all the people, I am the most to get amused by these gadgetry inventions. shopping wasnt really my thing but walking and seeing culture and their daily life gives me a good dose for the day. Walking along avenue of stars. A trip to Macau, the Dan Bhann guy is quite interesting. too bad i wasnt able to strike a good talker. still a bit shy. ocean park is almost a disappointment with all the flocks of chinese mainland tourists. But its their vaca holidays. cant help it.
The airport's giordano guy got a very very remarkable impression on me. maybe the smile, the scar, the niceness of him. just didnt forget him right away. although i cant understand a word. i just have a soft spot for this boy.

did not have great appetite at HK. i dont know. i just have a hunger of sites and people. but not on food when im on the go. a bread will do, a simple sandwich and a fruit juice is all it takes and im set. NOt much into strong flavored gastronomic delights.

days in hk , and when i got back.. my crush for KRW just grows. I made my series reviews on this cutie. just missed arirang. coz there is no arirang at marco polo prince. too bad.

today, i went to gb3 at my cinema. Got an invite from Mitzie's 25th birthday. Under the tuscan sun. :) had a few laughs and some updating. I finally saw Abi after 4 long years. But i dont think i ever missed her coz despite of not seeing each other for such a long time. We kept in touch and never missed a part or what new craze we were upto. We just have the same taste in our Korean craze , the boys. the humor .. we just think the same. its really amazing with such a common thing from diferent culture and background. Our friendship was brought together by things in common , passion in life , way of seeing things.

now i m back.. still a bit jet lagged , groggy. I dont know where i came from. but i still feel like dizzy and always riding at an escalator. hehe.. weird no.

im gonna focus now on my ayf application. Praying for signs and guidance. i just really want this to go somewhere. is it my calling or just a fascination of something i did not have in life. please let me know.

weeping quietly on its own

i've had enough of things.. i just burst out in tears. No i wasnt in anger, i wasnt in pity , not in any form of hatred.but more of I've had it.. i wanna give up, it wasnt supposed to be in me, but i just cannot do anything about it.I am just pushed into a situation.

The thing that made me burst is that I dont have any one to tell these rants to, nowhere to go. I locked myself up in this situation. No alternative, just you bear it all.
I am too old to whine and still young to carry it all. Yes sometimes you try to understand, you give. but still it has its limitations.

You still have those moods where you really feel down, alone and just asking why is life this complicated.
then a sudden gush of things that made me frustrated comes in one pack. And i was like holding the tears. getting long breaths hyperventilating to keep itfrom sounding so loud. But in the middle of thoughts, i was like no one is there to take me out of this awful situation, no one that i can tell this to without a judgement.If there is one, then i would be judged or it wouldnt do any good. but when suppressed, it just hurts.I was talking to the mighty one asking questions, asking if one can help me be more patient and be more understanding.

and realizing i was not that strong to understand and take these heartaches, it made me cry more.Its not a whiny weep, not a unfair cry to justify, they are tears of HURT.

I've been hurt and I dont know who and how and what question to ask of life's complications.
of course after the hurt, i start to think of proceeding with the japan thing. After all, doesnt mean a thing if i leave or not.Is it the best to leave and have each other a space to live one's life separately. to prevent conflict and heartaches.You want to go home alone, but you dont want the inconvenience and the awful feeling of the dirt and smog in the urban traffic.you go home with them, its such a pain. no matter how early you make a call, how pouty you made of your face.. it just doesnt count a thing.realizing i was just the middle guy and just caught in situations. i just happen to be the stationary guy who pivots them all. i am not the fiesty kill them all so i could win attitude. i prefer to stay quiet to prevent conflicts.

But man! people have limitations. you should know when to stop when it is near the end. Let them have space and time to regain and be able to accept such heartaches.one can just accept so many. dont make it an everyday thing.

it;s not really easy to be a social being. I dont even have a social aspect. Its really bad.
feels like a loser today, left the cellphone on a time where i needed it most coz i have an important followup to make for work.And it just feels like leaving it today, when an important matter is really up. good cooperation.been very short termed memory. just feel like such a LOSER!

not feeeling so good. but i know its just a course of life. i hope i get through this imbalance.

i realized when i am lonely i sulk , i listen to music, i watch KOREAN faves, and i feel a little better. thanks to mbc

some thoughts

its past midnight.
feeling : tired, wanted to blog some thoughts, am jsut clearing up my mind just now.

it was a scare for me yesterday. Having waking up very terrified with uncertainty .. and dizziness.
after a while it wears off.. but in the middle of the AM, hearing news of a new competitor makes my heart sink again. the feeling of uncertainty is just terrible. Then came the unexpected guest we had, that is really scary and suspicious. got me scared. I am just thankful i pass through that day peacefully. Meaning im still over the situation.

Then things on my mind this week:

1. monbusho
- the question whether which grad program to take up.
- question of whether giving it a go or not.
- quesiton if teaching is really what i wanted.
- question if i am prepared enough or not.


2. hk trip
- not so excited , not that im not looking forward to it. but just dont want to make high expectations but end up sulking at the turn of events.
- been busy with followup docs. but its complete now as of 7/16/05
- next thing to do is prepare luggage, itineraries, things to buy, places to visit. and just enjoy.

im get really really annoyed being scolded. it just degrades me. and feels like im not appreciated . and somtimtes we do things, but are just bragged. I may be not that type of person, but it just annoys me. Maybe im aloof, i can say maybe its like that.


i hope all is well on the weekend, get a good rest, watch KRW on attic cat. he just makes my day.

disappointed.. like a child

My afternoon highlight was when i booked a ticket using travel points.. I got disappointed to know that there is no available slot for the 8 am flight. uhhh.. guuuuuuuuuuhuhuh.. my afternoon crumbles.. and just got really really disappointed . I felt like a child asking for a candy NOW but ur folks says " No, its way past bedtime. tomorrow maybe" or like you want to play with the other kids right here right now and they'll say tomorrow then, the door is locked, you can play the whole day tomorrow. but the kids are already gone to school by then... "

but after complaining to my sister on how disappointed i was on the turn of events. I called again and tried my charm and luck if it will pass. And ding i thought of booking on wait list. I am very hopeful this one gets booked. After all, the agent said there is a possibility. I'm crossing my fingers on this one.. hope this really push through. Otherwise it will defeat its purpose.

I started my morning with less sleep than the much rest I needed. Though i got a few naps and some DIY home pamperings.. it still is short of time. But I am thankful i got the time to do them and recharge. Guess what woke me up to start the day bright... its a full copy of the "All about eve" series. Thinking of JDG and CR... i just can't help but smile. My sister was asking me why i am all smiles.. i must've looked like a loonie . All smiles with no reason at all. At least it started my day.

Office work is quite okay, bit busy and just fine. Nothing horrible happened. Just thankful.

I am trying to work early tonight so i can catch up with my readings I intended to read last weekend and take a good sleep tonight just to make the week right. :)

have a great week ahead and wish me a ticket on my bid with the reservation system.