nagging = furious

I had a confession to make.. I'm not proud of it but I did something that I should not repeat ever. I got so furious after my sister keeps on nagging me. I threw a chair - well just a plastic and light one- at her. Just to shut her up. I am really devastated of the fact that I was so pressured and so unhappy at work. Then at the strike of 530 pm. I still have to do one task that costs me an hour. I was just supposed to print something , but the printer is not okay. At 630 i just gave up. Plus my sister kept calling me nagging nagging. and got caught in traffic. Making the driver unhappy too.. so everybody is really unhappy.

Then I was so sad. you can see it in my face. so i was trying to be okay last night. I wanted to be alone at the room. Was crying out of misery why i did i let others boss me around and not do a single thing for me. Im so depressed and when my sister passed by the room, she blurted out not to be so touchy and emotional and got a nag. I wanted to shut her up.. and i threw a chair at her.

Im back again at my dilemma. I wanted to pursue my dreams and wanted to try things i like. but im caught with family and responsibilities. Also I am not equipped, and I am afraid i might not survive well. its really a pain.

just here

mood: sad
songs playing : korean, jap selection.. that make me cry at times

I am sitting here all night.. thinking.. wondering .. almost into tears. I am thinking of moving on to another zone. A bit of regret why I am too lazy to wait for everything to be spoon fed.

List I wanted to do but too afraid, lazy to make them happen:
1. experience seasons
2. find a job on my own merits
3. dress up
4. study
5. travel spain, japan, mongolia,switzerland
6. attend seminars i want
7. eat the cuisines i want

it just stops at planning.
And now its even worse, I say yes to things i don't do . im bad.. but i am so tired and down to do more things..

songs played on my mind constantly

song used for the Taiwan Series "It started with a kiss"

Pwede ba - soapdish
Pwede bang sabihin mo
Na itatago mo ang mga sulat ko
Kasi medyo maiinis ako
Kung itatapon mo..'wag kang mag-alala..
Di ako luluha

Kung may kapiling kang iba
Di na pipilitin pa..
Itong damdamin ko sa'yo
Medyo maninibago
Pero ayos lang sakin 'to
At pwede bang sabihin mong..
"maghihintay ako sa'yo.."
Kasi medyo naiinip na 'ko
Sa ikot ng mundo
Pwede bang isipin mo
Nahihirapan din naman ako
Sa paghintay lang ng kung anu-ano
Magmumula sa'yo
At 'wag kang magtataka
Kung ako'y biglang makita
Na nag-iisa..nakahiga lang sa kama
Iniisip ko ito,"ba't nga ba biglang nagbago?.."
Makayanan ko sana 'to..
At pwede bang sabihin mong..
"maghihintay ako sa'yo.."
Kasi medyo naiinip na 'ko
Sa ikot ng mundo'wag kang mag-alala..
Di ako luluhaKung may kapiling kang iba
Di na pipilitin pa..

Itong damdamin ko sa'yo
Medyo maninibago
Makayanan ko sana 'to..
Pwede bang sabihin mong..
"maghihintay ako sa'yo.."
Kasi medyo naiinip na 'ko
Sa ikot ng mundo.. (2x)

At pwede ba..pwede ba..pwede ba?
..At pwede ba..pwede ba..pwede ba?..

It's simple but it's not easy

a famous line quoted from Dr. Gregory House. It has been my hobby these few days to watch house MD episodes. He is just admirable with his wits, humor at times and confidence. Amidst the busy life of a doctor the show still have a love angle on it. I like house MD better than Grey's anatomy. I guess I am not just fond of Melrose kind of plots.

I am one of the lucky houses that got their electricity restored early after the big wind and typhoon that hit Manila. It has been scary because it has been a really strong typhoon. Not just for the decade but the century. Thankfully we got through it safely. Now the aftermath, still electricity cut out for almost the whole city. Business has been stalled. Like we are back to the basic life. Just plain entertaining , no tv and other media to keep you distracted. It;s like living the simple life when we are all used to having all the electronics to run our lives.

Thinking life;s complication on family issues. It makes me feel sad and want to do more. while i know i am not just built and prepared for that. I am scared to go make that big gamble. Since iam not trained for battle. But I think I better prepare for it before the opponent strikes.

wish me luck.. I am always praying for a sign to make the right decision.

ranting again

im really really frustrated right now. so frustrated i want to cry and just go on a soul searching trip.
I think I am feeling how I want to have freedom to pursue my dreams without having to stress out on my worries. I want to be righteous and at the same time be able to be me and go with my dreams.

Right now, when i do what I think is right, i felt like I am sacrificing my own happiness. Can;t I have both?

It;s like i have no chance to go to my dreams. I am too afraid to do things, take risks and just bounded inside rules. Things are actually confusing me.. It's been a contradicting attitude for me. I dont know which side of me will I listen to . I have been expecting that I will be in this stage again. After a few years ago, i decide not to listen to my ambitious self. but maybe envy, anxiety just woke up the ambitious me and I am really confused right now whether I would listen to my self or not..

isn't it a wonder

Lee Dong Wook is in the Philippines.I am trying to catch a glimpse of his non-movie being. But no luck on primetime news, evening news, weekend news. My last guess was to catch him on the buzz.
I had a blast last 2 weeks, I hadn;t had the chance to write out my thoughts since the PC is undergoing major wreck. Now it is back to normal. Thank goodness.
7/8/06A lot of firsts for me. It was quite exciting and some unforgettable moments. I had my first ride using the LRT2. I am impressed. It's like the train in HK and Sg. If only the Phils had a safer way,lesser poverty.. I would have love it here and not think of getting out of the country and exploring a lot of things. (couldn't it be because of me too?)
I had a legal night out with friends. We had an alcohol free night. We stayed up literally all night. Sang all night while trying to keep awake.
Singing "leaving on a jetplane" while sobbing because someone is about to leave the country again and have indefinite date of return.
While on my way home, I was happy to have a 25year old night out good clean fun. I feel normal again. Yet I feel so sad with making friends. When you learn to love them and find comfort in their company, the next thing is goodbye. It makes me think, why would i waste emotional and time investment when it all boils down to being left somewhere over and over again.
But what is the essence of relationship and friendships when you dont invest emotionally and trust. The key is to keep in touch and be open and share the person you are to them. In that note, distance won't be any hindrance to your friendship.
I had a lot of mistakes done at the office. Sometimes i want to quit but I want to tell my self I have to get up and fight . correct those mistakes. if i plan to leave, leave gracefully not drowned with shame of your mistakes.
Its a good thing we are renovating the office. May mark as a new beginning for all of us. New plans and lots of changes to follow on the way.
looking forward, but i know i am a bit afraid. Life is too big to spend it all on fear and regrets. I will make the best of it. aja aja.!
Whenever i look at friendster. It makes me anxious, jealous and sometimes left behind. Like everybody is out there and im hiding here. but i want to reassure myself i made these choices because I have reasons for it.

so smalll

Music : jack Johnson
Mood : emotional

I lost my day yesterday. Everything went down at the 3rd strike of my mistake. It brings all of me down to tears, loss of confidence, shaky feeling to fight this feeling. This morning I really am fighting myself but almost got beat up by the loser thought.

Pushing things physically won’t help if you aren’t fit physically. However you make things move, it just doesn’t. With the strike of the wrong medicine purchased, the thought of how difficult the store was to make that exchange. They still needed to justify which side committed the error, which I am pretty sure that they misread my clear writing.

I was thinking where am I going? I have no where else to go, nowhere to vent out these ill feelings of insecurity and no dreams to focus on. Just felt tired of being the adult all the time. The one that should understand everyone first. But it does not work that way. Seems it is still not enough and I still felt greedy. In gist, no one benefited from the situation. Just useless.

I realized I am a 25 year old kid. I remember how scared I knew I’ve done something wrong and am anticipating how my parents would get angry. My defense mechanism then was to freeze and become immobile. Now it just got mental. My mind just doesn’t work logically. So afraid to do another major mistake.

I am on my very low right now. Lost of confidence, trust on people, sees myself so low and unworthy of handling things. Did not even see my potential to do great things. I can’t even persuade people to believe me, that is how doubtful I was on my own capability.

I am a dead living person. I breathe and I live physically but dreams wise, freedom wise, living the life wise- I think I am dead. I felt really old and ugly right now. Really empty with nothing to offer. My dreams are shattered as to how selfish I am. I don’t really know which path I really want to take. I am just living here lifelessly.

With so much priority I have, I want to achieve and help a lot. Seems it brings me down seeing that I can’t even achieve any of them. Yet it takes a lot of my time. Am I letting time pass me without any worth? It really hurts me now. I am feeling really bad.

I am sorry to get back at blogging at this state. I will try to make things happen with life next time, try to give happy thoughts for my passing days. I used to think dreaming is big, surviving through times is my ultimate goal.

p.s. but I have this theory all these emotional roller coaster is very hormonal. Is the reason valid? I don’t want to be in this state every time. I costs me a lot of heartaches and confidence.

out of touch

I have been very down and depressed these 2 days. I dont know what to do now. I have not been on my mind lately and I did even get to read the news. The important things i want to do everyday. Time is just passing and I am plainly frowning from morning till the time i retire to bed. I fix my hair just early in the morning. I was my face before and after sleep. Just plain uninspired and unenthusiatic on life.

the day i lost the brother I knew.

It started as a simple vengeance from the cruel things he received from the society we are in today. I don't know what he went through but I think it was pretty hurtful. Things I thought were against his principles are now on his actions.

It is a bit short lived . When i was little I knew a few things about him. When I was born he went overseas to finish highschool. My childhood is without a brother. When I was 7, he came back for good from college. I was a bit shy and awkward when he got home. I know he is my brother, but I never really get to know him. I knew him through family pictures and I remember he came home once in the middle of the school. But i did not get to know him because it was just a short vacation.

Here are my vivid recall. As I was going through my primary schooling, he is trying to start on business with the ideals he got from the western world. I looked up to him. I still yet have to know his temper on what things he hate and what irritates him.. He doesn't like cry babies and doesn't like stupidity.

I was a bit afraid of him, I was thinking then how can he be so inconsiderate toward his baby sister. I can admit I am a spoiled when it comes to order of sibling. Being the last kid, I'm the one always crying. Soon when I was going high school, I am a bit ideal too. I am so eager reaching dreams, wanting to see the world. My brother took us to an amusement center. There that sunday is very vivid to me, until this very day. We went to the Robinsons mall, my sisters had their first shopping galore, they shopped for pants and shirts that they shared. We had delicious tacos as snack and even ordered take aways for my dad. It is how delicious it is. My most fun moment was when we spent the whole afternoon at the amusement center. He has driven us to the mall, the 6 of us played with the bump cars, played games and had a whole lot of fun. That is how memorable bump cars is to me. It brings me to that day that we are all happy playing and enjoying the completeness of the family .

The next lesson I learned from him is to take my time and learn things i want to pursue. He has showered us with privilege to use tech gadgets at young age. He trusted us. And I am very sorry for mishandling that causes it to break easily. But he never said a thing. He want us to learn and know how to use technology.

soon marrying age comes, the 3 elders got married in a span of 5 years. Then kids came along, family affairs,and different things of perspective came along. I got to live in 2 worlds. Being a kid, along with the family and niece and nephews.
I can say it has helped me mature and be realistic in facing the world. Things come to life when I got out of college.

Before graduation I was so eager and excited to get out to the real world. But its me the unconfident person I am, got discouraged by the distance, time, and fear to fail. I had this stigma that i should be a superior person since I got honors and awards. I realized all those are nothing. Soon as I hid in my own time I learned somethings about me. But once in a while gets lost inside my mind.

During my struggle, my brother is also going through a struggle of his own. He being so down for 15 months got us worried and we stood by him as support. But I think that wasnt enough. He still wants to do big things and must be vengeance from the cruel world. The tremor is really big. It shakes up the whole value of the family and test of support of everyone. I was trying to understand but I had my limitations. I also have my own life and career struggles I have to solve. When the day he got over board, that was the day I said I will stop caring. Realizing he is not the brother I knew. Must be because he has grown into something I am not used to. He is fierce, rude , mean and doesn;t care. He is just plain stubborn and unknown to me.

so sick

Playing this song on my mind : so sick

Everybody is talking about AI. did not just get the chance to watch one.
I don't know what I was doing the whole time at work. But when it comes 5pm.. all works start coming in and i got so stressed up with the call from my sister waiting for me.

i wish to achieve more at work without screwing up.

i got home so lazy and just so tired. i dnno waht was it.

classmate updates: they were all in makati, us , sg, name it its not in my list.. am i the odd one ?

what really is friendship

i've been a bit rebellious yesterday. I just wanted to jump out and state my opinions that I am againt the whole idea of it. It hurts me to see this happen, yet someone doesnt care what others feel. Maybe they got too hurt too, that is why they reacted the same way as I did.

i was faced with a question on friendship yesterday. and i think i just sucked bigtime in relationships. Any. be it friendship, family, business, classroom . so i don't expect to grow any romantic relationship. I just had this talent in being thoughtful and be ironic to be the first one to forsake them.

i am having difficulty figuring out what positive things are out there. If i were to think of myself. because i have been alone. they say no one survives alone. but we were born alone, people hurt people and they tend to leave someone behind crying or just wishing good for them.
its all a mind game

chillin on sunday

I got up at 7 am this morning. Too lazy to have breakfast, watch many tv shows until my eyes asked me to stop and give it a rest. I headed back to bed and woke up at 11. Had a silent brunch and a coffee.
next adventure is to find the DVD remote that has constantly been disappearing and re appearing for no apparent reason. Watched Get real! and see how they quarrel over so petty things. They just couldn't forgive and just be in harmony. They want to complain and complain. Flipping to different channels simultaneously through arirang, nhk, cnn, and local variety shows. Until i ran out of shows to watch. Good to see my father home from his trip.

Then I headed to shower. and clean AC filter and some errands.

Now Im on to my next task to surf, check email and find the org I have been spotting at tv with no success. Why was it there when i wasn't interested and now that I want to look for it, it just doesn;t show.

While reading friend's blog updates, I came across a friends' friend's blog. From the moment he got to his job, doing pacute successfully to a friend, until they got together, and they got married. It still amazes me how wonderful love can bring to life. It gives hope and meaning and much more to see in life.

Reading on, I noticed articles by Lucy Torres and Ting ting cojuangco. It made me realize celebrities really are humans too. They get hurt, miss their loved ones and have not so perfect life either.

Lucy on life's disappointments but her article made me to see things to its positive light. Like when someone hurts you, it just teaches you something in life, God has a greater plan, a test of patience, life is just like that, you love so you learn to forgive, you live and let live. and not be too obsessed with material things.

With Tingting's article. I felt so touched by her article. She writes about how she misses her daughter Mai on being away in Florence. Having her for only 5 days is really precious and she looks forward to her next visit. She reminisces how warm her room feelswith all those things around, the times they spent together shopping in HK, holding on to the scent of her daughter's perfume. A mom's sentiments on how she misses her daughter. but she can't do anything about it, people come and people goes. Parents let go of their kids to pursue their own happiness, own life and luckily kids manage. while parents worry a lot on how they will do , what if they get sick and other worries one can create on their imagination. The good thing at how Ting ting took this situation is she enjoys her daughter's company while she is here, and always look forward to her next homecoming. Because that is just the way life goes.

I hope I can be that positive on all things, so as not to worry on so many things.

Faith is the key and being thankful is just a start to lead a worry freelife.

When i saw a pic of the beijing guide, i was thinking i have to quit thinking bout him. Just not meant for something more. He must have forgotten , life goes on. Its all in my mind. Maybe if fate or destiny permits, i will just be plainly amazed on how cupid works.

Initially my plan for the day is to have a bibimbop or kimchijjige, go to a hardware shop and look for cord extension for the new tv and other things at home. but i am just too lazy. I only achieved tv, blogging and surfing.

still got time.. see if i can attend to my craving.

A new goal! I want to visit IKEA if something comes my way. I heard its pretty exciting and i m sure i will love it there. Being a home and bath decoration fanatic. I would surely consider it my place, next to techy stuffs and street foods heheheh.

Praises and thanks

I take this silent moment and want to give thanks for me to experience the ride called life. Yes there are difficulties. but i am still very thankful for this moment that lifted me from a feeling of wanting to quit.

I am thankful for the hope I have just had. It's all up to me. I want to strive hard and keep the flame going.

Lifted

I realized i have been really sad, depressed an negative since February.

I recalled I was also feeling this way last October but the sight of the tower got me working again. It shows me some hope and light that the Philippines is still a good country to live in. This thought dreads me. I don't want to go somewhere else but the sight is forcing me to move out. I can't stand the situation and sometimes i go from hopeful to hopeless and negative.

The business sector is hardly surviving. Like its a man eat man scenario. The politics is even worse, like they are uneducated folks grabbing power from anyone who they dislike. The jobless rate is high. The pay is actually okay for educated , dedicated and industrious yuppies. But alot of the people are lazy and dreamy and they either aim for stardom or seeking future abroad. Isn't there any middleground for the common people?

Last night after doing a lot of readings. I became hopeful. I had a lot of hopes. I realized that one should have continuous learning on language and polish one's skill and he can never go astray. I slept really late with all these positive thoughts, gratitude and my plans to where I want to go. I plan to polish my skills and continue learning to strive for a better living.

Yes we all have our worries, but sometimes a little breather can get you the boost you just needed to get going. I often have this thought of quitting in the middle, but life ain't stopping. We make what we are for our lives. With faith and dedication , things would not turn out that bad. We just have to be determined to acheive a goal and keep on going to do more good.

work on work on. This morning i got up early. I went to shower at 8 am and started my day early for a clearing day. I want to start at home and eventually spread the attitude. Clutter really does complicates life.

getting back to reality

oh I am feeling that I am back to reality today.

See the work loads, sometimes I get mental blocked on what to do next. My workaholic self is just starting to warm up. So I am a bit lazy today. but I have lots of things to do , lots of tasks to complete. My mind is still over my head and I just don't know which one to figure out first.

My work errors just started to queue up again.. I have to deal with them.

Just as what I was feeling at the beginning of the trip why I don't want to get in this. I know I will miss the previous happenings once I loved the situation I am currently in. I felt empty knowing I have to get back to the routine. I am not yet ready to see the greater green because I know I will love it there. I want to hold back where i am right now. See simpler things in life and just go about it.

Yesterday I have this weird dream that I was attending a play or a movie invited by an old classmate. So I said i can manage to get home on my own. every body has to go home on their own anyway. So after a series of ride , jeeps and all sorts. I got lost. And on the way I encountered city lights, street lights shutting off at me. and seems like everything is gonna be chaotic. I started to see numerous churches on my quest for the correct ride and road to home. But the force gets stronger and stronger that it spells apocalypse, priests and other religious leaders are out on the streets saying their loudest prayer to stop the chaos. So foolishly I ran away from the scene. And luckily I was found my sister. All along I was looking left, my way home is just a look in the right. and it just mellows everything. weird and scary isn't it.

I am warming up to get ready and go fight and deal with work and life struggles.

the day after!

After getting home.

I eat a normal dinner. headed to the PC check my week long unread emails. I secretly checked friendster if he got an account. NO he is not. see this really struck me. but i am fighting the feeling so hard. it has no future. nothing to see on the horizon.. so better forget about it.

see this is intriguing. today my horoscope says.. get in touch with the person you are fondly thinking of. Is this a sign? does it point to his direction? should i write him. ohhhh man... I am so afraid to get rejected. I don't know what to tell him.. what to say.. how to start..

i wish to keep it going but i dont know where does it start , wehn you got the feeling right away. I hope I have seen something ugly in him so I wont be so interested in this person... oh beijing you just took my heart away..

the Beijing guide

sound : my choice of music. from john mayer, blue, korean love songs, rnb .. all that mellows the mood.

well i spent a week in Beijing.. it has been an awakening experience for me.

Day 1: friday feb 10
Lunch at a local chinese resto , temple of heaven, a little icy snows, the amazing acrobatic show, a Peking Duck dinner

comments - I wasn't very excited when we got to the plane, with the crowded A320 . We lost a face towel and an unknown creep took the damn pillow. I was thinking.. look we've been losing some things just riding the plane.. how inspiring was it.

Our guide met us at the airport with the little yellow flag waving around like the northern star. Getting out of the airport is like getting into the large freezer. My first humor was to breathe out air like smoking.. hehe.. then off we go to the tour.

At the acrobatic show, there were koreans, japs behind our seats and they look pretty cool. I felt saddened watching the acrobatic show. I know I must be amazed with that spectacular performance. But see they don't look normal doing these acrobatic acts. I felt like they have been groomed for a pet show. I feel really bad. I know I am so pessimistic.. but that is how I felt at that time. My sister was telling, dont be so negative, i must enjoy the show and all that sort. but i just dont feel like it.

Day 2: feb 11
Started at 8 am for Tian an Men, proceed to Forbidden city, lunch at local resto, souvenir shopping at beijing zoo , went straight to summer palace, buffet dinner at russian cuisine ( i guess)

comment - tiring big day started at 9 am. the group met up at the lobby. I was at my nice green stripe winter top paired with jeans and sneakers. I just love my get up that day. Match up with green scarf and a blue jacket. ahhhh.. i still remember how i looked.

the morning air is really cold.. very different in Manila. But I managed to keep my hands and head warm. I felt the hardness of life in China, when I see beggars, old people cleaning the stinky squat style toilet in the cold spring season.

here's the catch while taking a lot of pictures, walking long paths, sharing jokes, stories and humors at the bus. I caught myself looking at the guide. Getting mesmerized by this very interesting person. i even got the guts to go ask him some questions just to create a small talk. but to no avail i wasnt effective. So i guess i just strike a charming smile hoping he'd notice

Day 3: feb 12
Jade Factory, Great Wall, Lunch at great wall resto, Sun Dong An Shopping Plaza, Yue Xiu Flea Market, Unknown and uninteresting flea market, Dinner at chinese resto with party for the Lantern Festival

Comment - passion is awake. i can't help but think about this person. First thing in the morning at 830 am , I waved at him. Getting him to notice my sweet smiles for him , paying attention to his talks while having a long trip at the bus. At the jade factory, trying to get a glance at him, checking him out once in a while how and what he is at. Coz I am not really interested in the Jades all around , so I took the time to catch a glimpse of this heart beat I have for him. Then he walks in with an ice cream amidst the cold weather.. Its just cute.

At the great wall. The climb at the Great wall is GREAT. as in enormous task. Wasnt able to finish 1 station, coz my legs are starting to hurt and my nose and head is starting to hurt too. but we got to have a lot of photo ops. tried to have small talk after lunch but no words came out, just eye contact.. i was speechless. And

then the shopping load began. First mall, its just the same as we have here in Manila. Clean. next we hop on to the flea markets.. where I started to pout just the thought of bargaining for 1/2, 1/4 of the price they offer. but they ask for it. they give a very high price and it is not worth the product they sell. So I said I will stop right here before i ruin my mom n sister's mood to hunt for a great bargain and product.

2nd flea market, i stayed at the bus with 2 buddies and luckily had a chat with the bejing guide. he is 28. He used to be rich . All his family members were doctors. He studied tourism. of course.. he speaks english and mandarin.. he had 2 bikes, wanted to buy a car but not enough cash yet. getting married not yet on his mind. all these in the span of an hour. see how i took note of all those details he told the group .


bonding moments : during meals, like the small talks, glances, smiles and all sorts where you dont go sight seeing, but people watching and socializing. its magical and treasured.

My last chances - we talked with him after the beso beso with the group. We called him for some questions and stuffs away from the weirdos and flippos of the group. then after the info interview, we get to talk some stuffs with him. and my last chance.. i shook his hand 2 times. its warm , and its my way of saying i like him.. they exchanged numbers and addresses but me.. i m so shy coz i have the feelings already.


Day 4: FEB 13
Hotel Transfer, Exhibit Registration, Supply shopping, Dinner at Strike
impressive with the traffic of foreign people. COO is quite strong, but richard is cute with a great smile and shy english. i dont want to dwell more, or i might fall again.. and its gonna hurt double this time.

at night... i am thinking of the guide. continuously... i dont know but it caught my senses.

Day 5: FEB 14
Attended the exhibit the whole day

Early morning, the view from our suite 1125 at landmark is faced with the big road and a military training camp beside it. You see how disciplined the Chinese people are. They were like little toy soldiers walking, marching, running, exercising in groups. They even sing to beat the cold air of the day. Joining the Military gives the family some special perks and priveleges. while some chose to go for the short but hard way. Others chose the long and free way. I commend the chinese government for a great job in handling its people and get to lead an emerging economy. though freedom has to take a back seat. i understand it.

It was Valentine's day in Beijing. Just ordinary day. just observed the occassion. And luckily we had left over food at lunch so we fest during dinner. And the whole view of the big 6 lane road is constantly not moving .. good thing we did not dine out.

at night... Still i am thinking of the guide... oh my foolish heart.

Day 6: FEB 15
Got back to the exhibit, did some window shopping

constantly, you're on my mind...


Day 7: FEB 16
Went to Yong He Gong, An afternoon of bargain hunting --> which I got my OC jacket and my princess blouse.. love them..


Day 8 : FEB 17

prepared early for the noon flight we have to take. notihing in particular this time. the busy beijing airport filled with different nationalities, different pacing in life.. its really interesting to watch people inside the aiport.

back to routine.. a dramatic flight back home.
with the 5 hours spent on the plane. I had a sumptous meal. Then went to retire for a nap. but i was fighting th feeling, whether to write this person or not. Figuring out if its just a crush or not. Then thoughts of moving away , life decisions come pouring in and it gets me into tears. trying to forget, move on and all things in my mind. That is why i hate being alone on long rides. It makes me think on things that make me cry.

in conclusion:
I think i felt a little something over the guide. But all i know is that feeling is strong

what is ahead. only the future knows.

sleepless

it is 4 am. I was not able to sleep well. I am very tired, frustrated, down and depressedwith the turn of events. I don't know if it is just PMS or the situation is plainly sad. The way this pc monitor has been treating me makes me feel really down. sometimes i doubt if this pc is a test of my patience and faith. I cant give it up butit is so hard to trust.

As i was thinking, how deep is my trust issue. but i know after this thing.. all will start to pick up and be right back at my feet