life changes

its been a turmoil for some over the weekend.

its not the cash, but its the attitude. After all money are just numbers, yes it plays a big part , but everything depends on the person looking at it. If you can be satisfied with just a hundred then fine. Otherwise its endless.

For me.. its been a merry go round of my thoughts.. never ending. my china trip should i give in. how about the teaching position. how about the new venture im in where i will be mainly a partner. i cant do it all at the same time. But I have this feeling i have a time limit to all these things. LIke i have to make it happen all at the same time but its impossible i know that. That is why im giving it a lot of thinking.

Hearing sinister stories, i got more aware of it. It frustrates me , the thought of being a spinster. I used to think that is on the person not the status whether she'll be happy or not. But hearing the stories , it all sounds so sad, lonely, hard, a lot of uncertainties and no consolation at all. Isn't it a choice one made to prevent the mistake of choosing the bad ones or the wrong person. We should not go into a marriage for comfort. Got to have love, at least care or concern. Am i right or am i just dillusional?

They said that the marriage binds the person for lifetime companionship. But divorce, annulment and separation do happen. Can we trust and place our golden years to the hands of friends, siblings, next gen relatives to give us sincere care? I think its too ideal. After all they got their own lives to run too.

But I agree that having the family is just the simplest and most basic necessity one has to want to fulfill one's life. You would not want for more luxury, you wouldn't ask for so many travels just the thought of being successful in raising a family is a big trophy itself. So simple yet so profound and heart warming. But what if we dont get there??? am i bound to drown in the agony of being alone?

Folks are saying every guy is a candidate, but what if we considered a wrong candidate and can't get out of the situation. Isnt that a deeper hole to get trapped? I sound so cynical don't i?
Some times i do believe that there is someone out there right just for you.. its magical but its sooo hard to find. that sometimes makes me believe more on the saying " men are dead, gay or taken." wag namannnn.

I m leading a life of a hermit.. oh no.. am i on step one of spinsterhood? But how can i just smile and give a wink to a cute guy i meet on the street, at the public transport, at a public office , or at the bank? that's not possible with the culture im in. it all starts with attraction right? so if you really like a person its not in our culture to go up to someone and ask for their name and number and show interest in them. YOu will just sound like a cheap girl nor a maniac ( for a guy). I dont plan it that way. oh my i am just being hopeful. Praying for the right one to come along, if not give me a deed that i should do that will keep me worth living. I dont want to feel so useless..i often feel that way. At least a cause that will keep me going and going.

Just hopeful, believer in the light at the end of a hazy situation.