Music : jack Johnson
Mood : emotional
I lost my day yesterday. Everything went down at the 3rd strike of my mistake. It brings all of me down to tears, loss of confidence, shaky feeling to fight this feeling. This morning I really am fighting myself but almost got beat up by the loser thought.
Pushing things physically won’t help if you aren’t fit physically. However you make things move, it just doesn’t. With the strike of the wrong medicine purchased, the thought of how difficult the store was to make that exchange. They still needed to justify which side committed the error, which I am pretty sure that they misread my clear writing.
I was thinking where am I going? I have no where else to go, nowhere to vent out these ill feelings of insecurity and no dreams to focus on. Just felt tired of being the adult all the time. The one that should understand everyone first. But it does not work that way. Seems it is still not enough and I still felt greedy. In gist, no one benefited from the situation. Just useless.
I realized I am a 25 year old kid. I remember how scared I knew I’ve done something wrong and am anticipating how my parents would get angry. My defense mechanism then was to freeze and become immobile. Now it just got mental. My mind just doesn’t work logically. So afraid to do another major mistake.
I am on my very low right now. Lost of confidence, trust on people, sees myself so low and unworthy of handling things. Did not even see my potential to do great things. I can’t even persuade people to believe me, that is how doubtful I was on my own capability.
I am a dead living person. I breathe and I live physically but dreams wise, freedom wise, living the life wise- I think I am dead. I felt really old and ugly right now. Really empty with nothing to offer. My dreams are shattered as to how selfish I am. I don’t really know which path I really want to take. I am just living here lifelessly.
With so much priority I have, I want to achieve and help a lot. Seems it brings me down seeing that I can’t even achieve any of them. Yet it takes a lot of my time. Am I letting time pass me without any worth? It really hurts me now. I am feeling really bad.
I am sorry to get back at blogging at this state. I will try to make things happen with life next time, try to give happy thoughts for my passing days. I used to think dreaming is big, surviving through times is my ultimate goal.
p.s. but I have this theory all these emotional roller coaster is very hormonal. Is the reason valid? I don’t want to be in this state every time. I costs me a lot of heartaches and confidence.