aug 15.2005Long Face DayI've

been wearing one since i woke up. I am really irritated by the fact that i did not get enough sleep.Goes to continue with the missing lunch box, the lots of things to let me bring to the office. the lots of personal errandscommanded to me. Neither do i have the say that I can , I have time or just here it is. do it.I am almost in exhaustion ( physically and mentally) must be a bit exaggeration but this is how I feel this time.must be feeling really low this day. Brought about by the un friend theory i got last weekend. I maybe afraid to admit it, but i am affected and bothered on how shallow i offer people of myself ( be it friendship or relationship) . I am not socially fit . in my 25 years of existence? i still haven't mastered the art of socialization? too bad. am i a hermit, asceticor what..been thinking of what words to fill my blog the whole day. been thinking of foods that will somehow uplift my mood. In totality, my day is a wreck. not that i screwed up at work. But I am not ready today. If im gonna be on a mood-o-meter.the reading would be loser. My body is brought down to laziness due to lack of sleep and head ache and lack of motivationto move for the day. It was like I am a dead man walking.. robotically taking orders on what to do. I cannot even performwell. My voice seems like a dead person saying hello on the line. People can tell. but I can;t even focus my eyes. Must be loneliness or exhaustion that covers it. Must be combination of 2. And makes me think that I am not good for anything, not good at anything. Useless in the society. Yes these are allnegativism i feel. but my mood just aint right for the day. I am just praying to give me strength to withstand andstay resilient on the events happening in my life. I dont have the courage nor the energy to resist back and say no to things i do not like to do.primary reason is that I dont want to say things that I would later regret on doing. cant take back words. i am really reallycareful. My defense mechanism is that I just dont say anything at all.my day was slowed by the fact that M reads 5 pages in an hour and a half. And it sometimes is infuriating on how one can be really stubborn. You jsut dont have enough patience on days like these and you feel frustration on situations that your students can be really hard to teach and not even absorbing your teaching. When all you do is give all the knowledge you have to let them understand the word and the lesson. You just want to scream and shake them and say this is it. I dont knowhow much further i can make it clear to you. Missed on the clock to see that C is not fetched on time.what i wanted to do today. go to the grocery, buy vitamins, vanities. go to bank , buy dollar, buy softwares, korean cd; ( this is ]an errand.) sometimes they can be really annoying . Like they all thought you dont do anything in the office do this. i dohave things to do, responsibilities to attend to. Please give me space.Seeing the situation that i dont have a social life, makes an advantage for you to give more and more errands. I am not lazy.But not now. i am really tired, please take into consideration on how i feel and what i need now. And it is REST and somespace to breath. to take a minute and give myself some time to see my self worth. I sometimes pity myself on being trappedand too coward to achieve goals. Dreams are really hard to achieve, that is why it is called dream not just a plan.time is flying and resources are being diminished. I feel an imbalance right now and i am on the left. meaning cynical mood.very low self confidence on things that i can do. I think i am in Chaos when im at work. Must be the new routine and it iscrazy.Then see that i am blogging at the notepad. This silly 2 dial up accounts are not working and i just need a shout out on my emotions. I cannot jsut bottle it up. it is really tight on the heart.just keep on praying for strength and light to keep me going. hope i figure the right time management and not get crazy all week.