After being not included in a list of guest. I begin to wonder . I don't have friends. I am not worthy of a friend enough to be a part of one's special memories. they just don't remember me as the friend. Maybe an acquaintance, the person who is always smiling at you. Yes i smile. but i do not open up my life and my thoughts to any one.
Not even family, close friend. i always have something just thoughts to myself. If I share , it will just be part, but never the whole heart. Maybe it was because of a traumatic experience of being disappointed and humiliated with that issue. I do not know but I just find it hard to share my life, my thoughts , my emotions to just one person. And that leads to my fear of committing, and fear of the thought of a new person in my life. Because my definition of letting a the new person into my life, means i will share thoughts and pure intentions to be honest to that person . Treating as one person place in my life, accepted as the person. with the flaws and irritating habits plus the honesty, and all the good things along with the person.
Just checking... i have the tendency to let go of things at the brink of a decision time to commit and be brave .. especially with Friendship. I do the first few steps but I back out at the make or break situation. I do the breaking . so in high school - no body really thinks about me as the close buddy.. coz i have let them down, let go of them, or even havent considered their feelings. Things of the past that i cannot just undo. Hard to make an effort to re shape. Before, I used to think this bond is so hard to take away, coz we shared a lot of moments together.. while we were growing up. but things do get busy and change, people change and personalities and interests were formed. thus priority for my friendship is put on the back seat. College, even more closed to the people around me. yes they do know and have some updates on my life, but those are just bits and pieces. not really the full me.
So when it comes to weddings, time to form groupies. I m left alone. and lost and just called the not so good friend. Unfriend. I am a good acquaintance. I remember birthdays, i smile , once in a while i check on them on how they're doing. But i dont share enough of my person. Maybe what i give is what i get. I noticed there is a pattern that I am the unfriend. It is also my doings.
just makes me sad on that thought that i dont give enough .but that was it. it is me.
i can say NO single person knows me the best. Maybe some can be close to know me . but no one knows me completely.
its bit n pieces.
as i was reading the monbusho requirements. i think i have to take up educ units right now and pursue next year for the ayf program. huhuhu ... another year extension with a lot of uncertainty if i will get in or not. if i will push through with the plan , or I really like this vocation.
as i was complaining in my past sequences with this big question. one minute i love them, i almost want to make it the thing i do forever. then i see i reacted badly to it then i hate it. but i dunno.. really still am confused with this life decision.
hope i get by this big rock .
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