i've had enough of things.. i just burst out in tears. No i wasnt in anger, i wasnt in pity , not in any form of hatred.but more of I've had it.. i wanna give up, it wasnt supposed to be in me, but i just cannot do anything about it.I am just pushed into a situation.
The thing that made me burst is that I dont have any one to tell these rants to, nowhere to go. I locked myself up in this situation. No alternative, just you bear it all.
I am too old to whine and still young to carry it all. Yes sometimes you try to understand, you give. but still it has its limitations.
You still have those moods where you really feel down, alone and just asking why is life this complicated.
then a sudden gush of things that made me frustrated comes in one pack. And i was like holding the tears. getting long breaths hyperventilating to keep itfrom sounding so loud. But in the middle of thoughts, i was like no one is there to take me out of this awful situation, no one that i can tell this to without a judgement.If there is one, then i would be judged or it wouldnt do any good. but when suppressed, it just hurts.I was talking to the mighty one asking questions, asking if one can help me be more patient and be more understanding.
and realizing i was not that strong to understand and take these heartaches, it made me cry more.Its not a whiny weep, not a unfair cry to justify, they are tears of HURT.
I've been hurt and I dont know who and how and what question to ask of life's complications.
of course after the hurt, i start to think of proceeding with the japan thing. After all, doesnt mean a thing if i leave or not.Is it the best to leave and have each other a space to live one's life separately. to prevent conflict and heartaches.You want to go home alone, but you dont want the inconvenience and the awful feeling of the dirt and smog in the urban traffic.you go home with them, its such a pain. no matter how early you make a call, how pouty you made of your face.. it just doesnt count a thing.realizing i was just the middle guy and just caught in situations. i just happen to be the stationary guy who pivots them all. i am not the fiesty kill them all so i could win attitude. i prefer to stay quiet to prevent conflicts.
But man! people have limitations. you should know when to stop when it is near the end. Let them have space and time to regain and be able to accept such heartaches.one can just accept so many. dont make it an everyday thing.
it;s not really easy to be a social being. I dont even have a social aspect. Its really bad.
feels like a loser today, left the cellphone on a time where i needed it most coz i have an important followup to make for work.And it just feels like leaving it today, when an important matter is really up. good cooperation.been very short termed memory. just feel like such a LOSER!
not feeeling so good. but i know its just a course of life. i hope i get through this imbalance.
i realized when i am lonely i sulk , i listen to music, i watch KOREAN faves, and i feel a little better. thanks to mbc
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